You can fight back with the will of the heart, the do of the hand through writing, and the power of the soul.
And the majesty of the mind. d.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Samsung
"You were very much in love with her. And you're still in love with her. But it amused me to make you ashamed of it. You gave up on the first person you ever loved because I threatened your reputation. Don't you get it? You're just a toy, Sebastian. A little toy I like to play with. And now you've completely blown it with her. I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard."
--Cruel Intentions (1999), "Kathryn"
Makes my top five favorite movies.
Samsung theory.
--Cruel Intentions (1999), "Kathryn"
Makes my top five favorite movies.
Samsung theory.
Don't TRY THIS SHIT AT HOME OKAY? D
YOu call back 911. "It wasn't that fucking hard. Okay? I got that shit out of the garage. Sanitized it with the fucking Jack." d
"Ma'am are you alright?"
"I had some ol' Vikes around, why?"
"Ma'am are you alright?"
"I had some ol' Vikes around, why?"
"If it is a benign neurological symptom, why does it only happen in front of the computer?" I said to the FBI AGent on Duty, referring to my "twitch" which repetitively spelled out the "d."
Why is the burden on me to solve the crime when these are the investigative agencies?
YOu call 911. "WAit. NO. I don't need you anymore. I pumped my own stomach." d
STarted my own IV.
Why is the burden on me to solve the crime when these are the investigative agencies?
YOu call 911. "WAit. NO. I don't need you anymore. I pumped my own stomach." d
STarted my own IV.
Why the Aliens Hacked Morpheus.
Morpheus was a hard person not to sympathize with, and then he drew a lot of abuse to me from the outside (from my friends and family who disapproved).
He was trouble from the get-go.
'I'm getting a divorce.'
Which just went on and on and on and on.
Then the dog died.
And Lacey said, "But he's so pretty."
The dog or Morpheus?
Both.
Oh.
He was trouble from the get-go.
'I'm getting a divorce.'
Which just went on and on and on and on.
Then the dog died.
And Lacey said, "But he's so pretty."
The dog or Morpheus?
Both.
Oh.
Do you feel better about yourself when you scream at me?
Yes. Really? Good. I feel better afterwards when I scream at you. WE're all in this together, me and you. Nice little cozy, goddamn abusive cycle. Who started it? I think you did, though.
NO. You did. d
Fuck you. YOu did. ASshole. d
Two days later, I'm high and drunk and driving my Mercedes into a center divider on Highway 101.
Yes. Really? Good. I feel better afterwards when I scream at you. WE're all in this together, me and you. Nice little cozy, goddamn abusive cycle. Who started it? I think you did, though.
NO. You did. d
Fuck you. YOu did. ASshole. d
Two days later, I'm high and drunk and driving my Mercedes into a center divider on Highway 101.
I feel sorry for people who don't care about anyone but themselves. Because in the end, they realize themselves are pretty fucking worthless, and then they do a lot of shit to hide that fact. Drugs. d. Alcohol. Reckless bullshit.
Ask around.
then they realize, and then they want you to feel worthless with them. So, they try. Easy formula.
Got it down? "You die."
"I kill you."
I"m not dead yet. Easy there, Sparky.
Later, though okya/
Fuckin' do some more crack. Okay! YES!
Ask around.
then they realize, and then they want you to feel worthless with them. So, they try. Easy formula.
Got it down? "You die."
"I kill you."
I"m not dead yet. Easy there, Sparky.
Later, though okya/
Fuckin' do some more crack. Okay! YES!
Maybe he's just the head trip.
Maybe he's not sorry because he doesn't feel sorry.
This is a heartbreak story. This is a love story.
And someday, it will make more sense.
Maybe they think the more you twist in the trap, the more you bleed, the more you're wounded, the more you go down.
You get better.
"Thank you."
NO need to thank. If you give a cold rebuttal, you can't control anymore.
They all come back. They come back when you don't want them to. They have to now. Because they're in it for the fight.
This is still a love story.
People talk about the "machine" or the "conspiracy," but it's about love.
YOu don't see that, but you will. Always about one girl in love with a guy.
I'll take that all the way to D.C. or the New York Times. One girl and she's in love with a guy.
Where's the guy? What happened to the guy?
I don't know, but she's still in love with him?
YES> o
she has to be because besides that, she only has her goddamn pride left. And she doesn't like that. And then those fucking Constitutional Rights. a
She has to chase the ghost. Of what she lost. d
Maybe he's not sorry because he doesn't feel sorry.
This is a heartbreak story. This is a love story.
And someday, it will make more sense.
Maybe they think the more you twist in the trap, the more you bleed, the more you're wounded, the more you go down.
You get better.
"Thank you."
NO need to thank. If you give a cold rebuttal, you can't control anymore.
They all come back. They come back when you don't want them to. They have to now. Because they're in it for the fight.
This is still a love story.
People talk about the "machine" or the "conspiracy," but it's about love.
YOu don't see that, but you will. Always about one girl in love with a guy.
I'll take that all the way to D.C. or the New York Times. One girl and she's in love with a guy.
Where's the guy? What happened to the guy?
I don't know, but she's still in love with him?
YES> o
she has to be because besides that, she only has her goddamn pride left. And she doesn't like that. And then those fucking Constitutional Rights. a
She has to chase the ghost. Of what she lost. d
For Palin and Clinton
It's difficult but necessary to maintain an outward appearance of normalcy. For the rest of society which you no longer really participate, because it's another slip in the slide of function.
I hide in the house most of the time, becoming a person I don't like to see. One day, an squirmish in a battle. ONe day, a battle. The next, the war. The problem isn't our country, but our society. We produce the individuals in our homes, who go into our military, into our government, who grow up to vote, to not vote. That they be cruel or kind, giving or not.
I hide in the house most of the time, becoming a person I don't like to see. One day, an squirmish in a battle. ONe day, a battle. The next, the war. The problem isn't our country, but our society. We produce the individuals in our homes, who go into our military, into our government, who grow up to vote, to not vote. That they be cruel or kind, giving or not.
Ogas and Gaddam argue that romance novels and their Internet-era counterpart, “fan fiction,” dramatize the workings of female desire.
--A Billion Wicked Thoughts
LOL d
NO. ddd
YOu are so owrong!
You have no sense of humor
NO ;
--A Billion Wicked Thoughts
LOL d
NO. ddd
YOu are so owrong!
You have no sense of humor
NO ;
"Mr. Welch also led the prosecution of Thomas Drake, a former National Security Agency official accused of leaking information about enormous cost overruns and mismanagement at that agency to The Baltimore Sun. Earlier this month, Mr. Drake — who had faced up to 35 years in prison — was sentenced to a year’s probation after the government’s case against him largely collapsed."
--Federal Judge Agrees..
Thomas, want to have drinks? d No, I'm serious. I'm tall and pretty. And we have big, big, break for us, Thomas!!! I don't have a Thomas in m ylife.
--Federal Judge Agrees..
Thomas, want to have drinks? d No, I'm serious. I'm tall and pretty. And we have big, big, break for us, Thomas!!! I don't have a Thomas in m ylife.
Shame Upon the Family
"An angry crowd of 300 surged around them, calling them adulterers and demanding that they be stoned to death or hanged."
--Afghans Rage at Young Lovers...
"Ms. Mohammedi’s uncle visited her in jail to say she had shamed the family, and promised that they would kill her once she was released. Her father, an illiterate laborer who works in Iran, sorrowfully concurred. He cried during two visits to the jail, saying almost nothing to his daughter. Blood, he said, was perhaps the only way out."
--Afghans Rage at Young Lovers...
"Ms. Mohammedi’s uncle visited her in jail to say she had shamed the family, and promised that they would kill her once she was released. Her father, an illiterate laborer who works in Iran, sorrowfully concurred. He cried during two visits to the jail, saying almost nothing to his daughter. Blood, he said, was perhaps the only way out."
This might have something to do with our little group at Deardiary.net.
nO
MIght is a little, big word around the hacker block I'm learning slowly. Our original members, I probably still speak to almost all of them. I say that because I'm not sure still of the identity of Akim666. d. He was the only outspoken hacker.
WE never spoke on the phone, so I have no idea his voice or even speech patterns.
I destroyed all records of his emails. IN REd Bluff, Ca just before I moved.
nO
MIght is a little, big word around the hacker block I'm learning slowly. Our original members, I probably still speak to almost all of them. I say that because I'm not sure still of the identity of Akim666. d. He was the only outspoken hacker.
WE never spoke on the phone, so I have no idea his voice or even speech patterns.
I destroyed all records of his emails. IN REd Bluff, Ca just before I moved.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Believing in Nothing. Nihilism.
I can't decide what I believe, and I believe in nothing.
I know not Morpheus's motivation for even calling the dance agency that night, why he arranged for me to meet him at that house.
Did we know each other before online?
The next time I saw him, he looks down while sitting on the floor next to the couch, and says, "I love you."
I believe nothing, and care about less.
I have my c.
I have my warpath. EVeryone must get one of their very own. d. I marched around, ran around, ranting and raving, swinging around some imaginary arms, crazed with a fiery madness you see in focused individuals who have been pushed to it.
But this story has only one side, only one or two characters. There were two men. ONe in July. One in August. d. That was the history.
I fell in the bar walking towards the back. ON my way out. But then I walked around, and I found Howard sitting on the bench right outside the front door. He gave me an awkward smile. He's huge sitting on a bench at probably more than 6' 3". In my memory, he's larger and larger. He has perfect skin.
Howard is gone. MOrpheus is gone too.
I know not Morpheus's motivation for even calling the dance agency that night, why he arranged for me to meet him at that house.
Did we know each other before online?
The next time I saw him, he looks down while sitting on the floor next to the couch, and says, "I love you."
I believe nothing, and care about less.
I have my c.
I have my warpath. EVeryone must get one of their very own. d. I marched around, ran around, ranting and raving, swinging around some imaginary arms, crazed with a fiery madness you see in focused individuals who have been pushed to it.
But this story has only one side, only one or two characters. There were two men. ONe in July. One in August. d. That was the history.
I fell in the bar walking towards the back. ON my way out. But then I walked around, and I found Howard sitting on the bench right outside the front door. He gave me an awkward smile. He's huge sitting on a bench at probably more than 6' 3". In my memory, he's larger and larger. He has perfect skin.
Howard is gone. MOrpheus is gone too.
This blog is a heartbreak story, this blog is a love story.
This blog is about broken Constitutional Rights because a girl fell in love with a boy. And then no one was civil about it.
In this country, you can love whoever you want. d.
Love doesn't require hacking.
Privacy equals love.
Keyloggers are evil.
Dan Savage is wrong. RElationships are not food court. OKay/ YOu don't get a partner, and then go shopping first veggies, then meat, then dessert because you forced down the other shit. d
I had to add that. ad.
This blog is about broken Constitutional Rights because a girl fell in love with a boy. And then no one was civil about it.
In this country, you can love whoever you want. d.
Love doesn't require hacking.
Privacy equals love.
Keyloggers are evil.
Dan Savage is wrong. RElationships are not food court. OKay/ YOu don't get a partner, and then go shopping first veggies, then meat, then dessert because you forced down the other shit. d
I had to add that. ad.
All the Dreams We Make
I left Morpheus a voicemail message asking him, rather telling him, to marry me.
NO. Maarrym .e
"You will blow this off..." I say, answering him, the silence that will last weeks, months, forever. I sense our life together has ended. But I ask anyway. I say it again, and again, and again.
Does it help if on repeat?
I'm serious. Does it help if I'm serious? d.
"I thought I was going to die, and then I didn't..." Now I'm still alive, and we could be happy if we were alive together, me and you, married. You promise me, I promise you. YOu are all I want in life. d.
I will find no one to replace you, no one besidesy ou. d.
I am serious.
Do you take me seriously anymore?
NO
Of course not, they say. We can't. WE have to run you up to Washington, D.C. d. YOu know where the building is. YOu've been there. It's going to be grand.
NO. Maarrym .e
"You will blow this off..." I say, answering him, the silence that will last weeks, months, forever. I sense our life together has ended. But I ask anyway. I say it again, and again, and again.
Does it help if on repeat?
I'm serious. Does it help if I'm serious? d.
"I thought I was going to die, and then I didn't..." Now I'm still alive, and we could be happy if we were alive together, me and you, married. You promise me, I promise you. YOu are all I want in life. d.
I will find no one to replace you, no one besidesy ou. d.
I am serious.
Do you take me seriously anymore?
NO
Of course not, they say. We can't. WE have to run you up to Washington, D.C. d. YOu know where the building is. YOu've been there. It's going to be grand.
I left
nO
--
I lost my "best friend" yesterday, or what [does?]
What day was it? Christmas Day of 2010? Could I find Randy McConnell again? d
--
He left the day he stopped being funny or stopped his particular sense of humor. yOu will know when someone breaks into your phone line, into your heart. Robs it. d.
nO
--
I lost my "best friend" yesterday, or what [does?]
What day was it? Christmas Day of 2010? Could I find Randy McConnell again? d
--
He left the day he stopped being funny or stopped his particular sense of humor. yOu will know when someone breaks into your phone line, into your heart. Robs it. d.
I Missed Something
"Hackers that were part of the loose-knit group Anonymous said that they had broken into the network of ManTech International, a government contractor, and posted some NATO-related correspondence online."
--Group Claims Online ATtack on...
There must be more to this story--
NO. d
--Group Claims Online ATtack on...
There must be more to this story--
NO. d
This is Not kay.
My life was bad enough with the shit I did to myself. WE won't talk about that because I already did in previous blogs. YOu can reaad about it if you want, I will email you the files.
My mother has the philosophy, "It is." LIfe is just fucked up. Deal. d. She makes no effort to make it better for anyone else. There's no favoritism there. No need to be jealous over someone else. Tis the truth.
When this happened, some magical force, sweeping in like the Black Plague over Europe. d.
I wasn't buying the "It is life" bullshit.
Just dealing with it, Lacey.
Nothing you can do about it, Lacey. d.
YOu don't hack Cornell. d. It's academic. YOu leave Bank of America alone. That's criminal. d.
This is basic in life. d. YOu don't break into cars and then not steal stuff. That's petty. WE are grown ups. Here. Right?
My argument to the FBI On Duty Agent was, if you don't care about this, maybe it's connected to another case. These people do it here, they will there and there too. What's to stop them? IF you don't. NO one.
"Havey ou seen this before?" Showing him a file on my computer of me talking to the hackers.
"NO. " He said. "It looks like jibberish." d
It's not, it's just another language. That's like saying Spanish is jibberish. OR twins talking to each other is jibberish. He knows. I know. WE know.
If you want to live at home with no internet or phone for the rest of your life, then you can. But if you want the internet to work ever again, you have to fight back with the law.
Anti-Sec Movement took away my Constitutional Rights. Criminal behavior took away my Constitutional Rights. YOu want to do something for your government, be active inside your government.
I'm tired of people telling me you can live without the internet. YOu can't. That's fucking bullshit and stupid. YOu'd die the first time you went into a hospital, if not before then.
The FBI should do their job, as indicated by the law. d. People should not empower themselves outside of the law, this is where the trouble starts.
Hacking is illegal. Harassment is always illegal, whereas you can't say that about hacking. d.
I'm always tired of people telling me that I should be okay with living a really shitty life. Like. They live it. YOu should live it for a day. The harassment. The phone calls. OR never being able to make even one to 411. Or sending an email. OR going out to town without looking over your shoulder constantly. YOu do it, tell me it's okay, and then I"ll believe you. WE won't do anything about it, sweetheart. Okay? I won't listen to you cry. YOU cheer up. YOu be brave. YOu brave girl. You lose all of your friends, the respect and care for your family over this, and you a. YOu do it. And come back to me, and say, eh. NO biggie. You're right. "I just don't know what to say...I just don't want you to be disappointed..." Tell me that. And I will believey ou. OR worse, fuckin' be condescending to me. So more. d.
I never want to reach the place where I accept this was okay. Never. This is not okay.
You reach a place where you accept pain, physical pain that you cannot control was okay. YOu breathe through it, you reach a higher state of consciousness, and you walk until it ends.
This is different. People who allow this to be okay as just as guilty as the people who do it. WE started out better. A lot of people died for better. d.
My mother has the philosophy, "It is." LIfe is just fucked up. Deal. d. She makes no effort to make it better for anyone else. There's no favoritism there. No need to be jealous over someone else. Tis the truth.
When this happened, some magical force, sweeping in like the Black Plague over Europe. d.
I wasn't buying the "It is life" bullshit.
Just dealing with it, Lacey.
Nothing you can do about it, Lacey. d.
YOu don't hack Cornell. d. It's academic. YOu leave Bank of America alone. That's criminal. d.
This is basic in life. d. YOu don't break into cars and then not steal stuff. That's petty. WE are grown ups. Here. Right?
My argument to the FBI On Duty Agent was, if you don't care about this, maybe it's connected to another case. These people do it here, they will there and there too. What's to stop them? IF you don't. NO one.
"Havey ou seen this before?" Showing him a file on my computer of me talking to the hackers.
"NO. " He said. "It looks like jibberish." d
It's not, it's just another language. That's like saying Spanish is jibberish. OR twins talking to each other is jibberish. He knows. I know. WE know.
If you want to live at home with no internet or phone for the rest of your life, then you can. But if you want the internet to work ever again, you have to fight back with the law.
Anti-Sec Movement took away my Constitutional Rights. Criminal behavior took away my Constitutional Rights. YOu want to do something for your government, be active inside your government.
I'm tired of people telling me you can live without the internet. YOu can't. That's fucking bullshit and stupid. YOu'd die the first time you went into a hospital, if not before then.
The FBI should do their job, as indicated by the law. d. People should not empower themselves outside of the law, this is where the trouble starts.
Hacking is illegal. Harassment is always illegal, whereas you can't say that about hacking. d.
I'm always tired of people telling me that I should be okay with living a really shitty life. Like. They live it. YOu should live it for a day. The harassment. The phone calls. OR never being able to make even one to 411. Or sending an email. OR going out to town without looking over your shoulder constantly. YOu do it, tell me it's okay, and then I"ll believe you. WE won't do anything about it, sweetheart. Okay? I won't listen to you cry. YOU cheer up. YOu be brave. YOu brave girl. You lose all of your friends, the respect and care for your family over this, and you a. YOu do it. And come back to me, and say, eh. NO biggie. You're right. "I just don't know what to say...I just don't want you to be disappointed..." Tell me that. And I will believey ou. OR worse, fuckin' be condescending to me. So more. d.
I never want to reach the place where I accept this was okay. Never. This is not okay.
You reach a place where you accept pain, physical pain that you cannot control was okay. YOu breathe through it, you reach a higher state of consciousness, and you walk until it ends.
This is different. People who allow this to be okay as just as guilty as the people who do it. WE started out better. A lot of people died for better. d.
Never Lie
AT the FBI, I admitted to not taking the Zyprexa as prescribed for my county diagnosed "delusional disorder." d
I"m waiting for that fight. a.
Truth be told, it's psychiatrist versus psychiatrist on that one.
Never lie. When you can get a stupid label erased, especially one in which real events are disputed by a doctor who cannot verify from where he is sitting in his little office. Dr. Pait is not from a university hospital. He is not a team. His opinion would have mattered more if it came from a week of taking down notes, from interviewing but it was 15 minutes, maybe 20 minutes at best. Forget government conspiracy, it was just bad doctoring from a lack of time. d.
I"m waiting for that fight. a.
Truth be told, it's psychiatrist versus psychiatrist on that one.
Never lie. When you can get a stupid label erased, especially one in which real events are disputed by a doctor who cannot verify from where he is sitting in his little office. Dr. Pait is not from a university hospital. He is not a team. His opinion would have mattered more if it came from a week of taking down notes, from interviewing but it was 15 minutes, maybe 20 minutes at best. Forget government conspiracy, it was just bad doctoring from a lack of time. d.
I was out in town one day. SCary.
I look over, and I see a woman carrying a baby in a little fucking thing underneath her arm. What are they called?
IT's a doll. d.
INdiana JOnes and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The fake town. d. d. d. Diablo Canyon is right over there.
Does everyone know something I don't?
He's out jogging.
YOU have to see it. d REally. d
And he's pushing the baby stroller. There's no babies. d. Where are the babies? d
I almost had a wreck. REally. AGain. d
I look over, and I see a woman carrying a baby in a little fucking thing underneath her arm. What are they called?
IT's a doll. d.
INdiana JOnes and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The fake town. d. d. d. Diablo Canyon is right over there.
Does everyone know something I don't?
He's out jogging.
YOU have to see it. d REally. d
And he's pushing the baby stroller. There's no babies. d. Where are the babies? d
I almost had a wreck. REally. AGain. d
YOu know what bothers me this morning:
Who would pretend to be fat online? But no really be fat? But be in like super good shape?
LIke fucking James Bond good shape? d
And then jog around town without his shirt on?
Lacey, did you see me?
"I saw you like jogging that one day?"
I didn't see you. I don't remember.
NO. I saw you.
Yeah. NO. d.
Who would pretend to be fat online? But no really be fat? But be in like super good shape?
LIke fucking James Bond good shape? d
And then jog around town without his shirt on?
Lacey, did you see me?
"I saw you like jogging that one day?"
I didn't see you. I don't remember.
NO. I saw you.
Yeah. NO. d.
Chinese Jailed for REporting
"A Chinese court has upheld the eight-year sentence of an investigative journalist in Shandong Province who had already completed a four-year term on charges of 'extortion and blackmail' — charges that his lawyers say were concocted to silence him."
--China Jails Lj
Who?
Mistake
N O
That's a long flight for you guys. YOu won't even pay for me to go to LA. Bastards. NO. YSE. d. LOL.
[REference: LJ was my nickname]
--China Jails Journalist Who Reported on Corruption
--China Jails Lj
Who?
Mistake
N O
That's a long flight for you guys. YOu won't even pay for me to go to LA. Bastards. NO. YSE. d. LOL.
[REference: LJ was my nickname]
--China Jails Journalist Who Reported on Corruption
Friday, July 29, 2011
Their obsession with communication has me obsessed with them because I have dived into the dark notion that I can learn even in the deep ocean of counterintelligence.
Their propaganda.
If I could hack their hack, if I could hack the hack back. Crawl inside their brains would I find out why he was sitting there on that bed that night. OR would I have to go further back in time.
Ten years?
What is your name??
Their propaganda.
If I could hack their hack, if I could hack the hack back. Crawl inside their brains would I find out why he was sitting there on that bed that night. OR would I have to go further back in time.
Ten years?
What is your name??
My Grandfather was an engineer for the Navy (previous mentioned).
I taught the hackers something. The NO/nO/No system, which failed. Now, we have the NOYSE system, which is failing. IT has to be confirmed with a Dee.
The hacking is dependent to some degree on me, it is organic.
IF he was still alive, I could say to him, I'm developing a language, at an extremely slow pace. With them. d
He'd be impressed.
nO.
I taught the hackers something. The NO/nO/No system, which failed. Now, we have the NOYSE system, which is failing. IT has to be confirmed with a Dee.
The hacking is dependent to some degree on me, it is organic.
IF he was still alive, I could say to him, I'm developing a language, at an extremely slow pace. With them. d
He'd be impressed.
nO.
Everyone wanted everything underground.
Hence why Nora called me delusional, and then the delusional campaign started when I found the pictures post online on someone's website that matched the ones she used for her anon.
Prostitution is dirty, prostitutes are bad, bad things, don't look, don't touch unless you're over there, it's illegal but everyone does it. Whores are underground.
There's shame and fear in every corner and out in the open--
People using fake names to meet me with the real goddamn name.
Hacked my shit, my car because I'm the one to be afraid of, the one little girl with no money, who did nothing but run around a few towns asking for Jack.
Where's Jack?
Hence why Nora called me delusional, and then the delusional campaign started when I found the pictures post online on someone's website that matched the ones she used for her anon.
Prostitution is dirty, prostitutes are bad, bad things, don't look, don't touch unless you're over there, it's illegal but everyone does it. Whores are underground.
There's shame and fear in every corner and out in the open--
People using fake names to meet me with the real goddamn name.
Hacked my shit, my car because I'm the one to be afraid of, the one little girl with no money, who did nothing but run around a few towns asking for Jack.
Where's Jack?
Making decisions for myself means relying on bad data, trusting the wrong people in the past means not trusting anyone at all for the time being. Foolish mistakes means paying the price today.
The happiest I feel is driving with the radio blasting.
The world ending is having Mark, the Enterprise guy, walk down the sidewalk behind me, calling my name because my bank account wouldn't cover the overdraft for $38 when I had just left the building thinking the transaction went through. Back in the old days, prior to hacking. It would. Small changes mean big things. One, walking, no car. TWo, the card not working. Blocking it meant saving me double. Right? No overdraft fee, but I had the embarrassment. It even does this at the pump. STops. MId-fill up. d. lIke my own personal fucking accountant. d.
I loved the 2011 300 Touring. Loved it. Great car. There was no Jack. There was no d Jack #3 or Jack #5. For me. There was no guy out blowing off some aggression on the road. That is me at my happiest. d. But even out there, I was alone. NO Jack. The one guy in the BMW with license RC 57 (?) just blew a kiss?? at me or like a poof? for blow up? Or fucking goodbye? Who knows! He was not in the mood for car chasing.
After reading some of Witness to an Extreme Century I wonder how I will come out of this. HOw will I handle this new bundle of trauma. Will I make positive out of a negative experience? Will I still make good relationships? Will I find a way to cope and rejoin the norm? Or will I always be, forever and now, outsider made purposefully by the certain members inside the US government? a.
What will happen to me since I have declared "war" on abuse of power inside the government? After that shuffles through, who do I have left?
Bursts of anger, as seen today, is common with PTSD. You can only push around someone for so long before he/she is angry.
What will become of me?
The happiest I feel is driving with the radio blasting.
The world ending is having Mark, the Enterprise guy, walk down the sidewalk behind me, calling my name because my bank account wouldn't cover the overdraft for $38 when I had just left the building thinking the transaction went through. Back in the old days, prior to hacking. It would. Small changes mean big things. One, walking, no car. TWo, the card not working. Blocking it meant saving me double. Right? No overdraft fee, but I had the embarrassment. It even does this at the pump. STops. MId-fill up. d. lIke my own personal fucking accountant. d.
I loved the 2011 300 Touring. Loved it. Great car. There was no Jack. There was no d Jack #3 or Jack #5. For me. There was no guy out blowing off some aggression on the road. That is me at my happiest. d. But even out there, I was alone. NO Jack. The one guy in the BMW with license RC 57 (?) just blew a kiss?? at me or like a poof? for blow up? Or fucking goodbye? Who knows! He was not in the mood for car chasing.
After reading some of Witness to an Extreme Century I wonder how I will come out of this. HOw will I handle this new bundle of trauma. Will I make positive out of a negative experience? Will I still make good relationships? Will I find a way to cope and rejoin the norm? Or will I always be, forever and now, outsider made purposefully by the certain members inside the US government? a.
What will happen to me since I have declared "war" on abuse of power inside the government? After that shuffles through, who do I have left?
Bursts of anger, as seen today, is common with PTSD. You can only push around someone for so long before he/she is angry.
What will become of me?
I HATE MY JOB
I hope Jack saves up all that money per hour he was on the phone and on the computer with me, torturing me and he puts it in cash in an envelope and hides it underneath the seat of my Mercedes.
I don't find it for months.
He's a computer genius. But he feels fucking guilty. Super. So it's like 200k. d
That's a lot of cash underneath the fucking seat.
YOu took out the stuffing.
OH.It's not torture. It's my job.
It's fucking torture.
NO. d.
"Who are you talking to, Lacey????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Why don't you answer my questions!~!!@!!!!!!?????
I don't find it for months.
He's a computer genius. But he feels fucking guilty. Super. So it's like 200k. d
That's a lot of cash underneath the fucking seat.
YOu took out the stuffing.
OH.It's not torture. It's my job.
It's fucking torture.
NO. d.
"Who are you talking to, Lacey????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Why don't you answer my questions!~!!@!!!!!!?????
CAlifornia Pizza Kitchen.
I went there for lunch. My pizza. CAme out cold. I brought it up to the counter. "Cold." Fix.
Brought it out again. Cold. d.
I almost fucking lost it. I told the waitress LIzzy from HOllywood, we are not paying for the meal. AT all.
I snatched the bill out of my stepfather's hand.
I embarrassed my stepfather. I had to walk out.
If I waas with someone else, I would have demanded that no one paid for anything. Bullshit. Bad service. Unusually so.
Everytime I go into Big Sky, excellent. Every time. d. Food. Always good. Worth the money.
I've never done anything like that.
While I was leaving downtown sLO, someone in a wheelchair called me "smiley."
I just wanted to be left alone, no pet names, and a car. A really fast car. No plates.
I called my stepfather and told him it was about the FBI deal, how he wouldn't back me up, this call was 20 years too late, he had never backed me up my whole life. I cried after I hung up. d. Just on the sidewalk, out of place. Crying. a. IN public.
I couldn't make it all the way out, so I hung out at a bus stop. WAtching traffic. For him. Is that car him? Is he hiding his face? Does he work somewhere else? Is he paid to watch me? Does he just do it sometimes to check in on me? Is that him there? NO. d. He could be there. NO. d. Does he love me or was he just assigned? All the technology in the world, and I only wonder about one thing.
Even more than pizza. d. MOre than my family situation.
When I was at Ridgecrest Rite Aid, that was proof. Look-A-LIke. He never existed.
The "RAndy's" are now all mean. All of them. They have a script. They say things just to be mean. "I can't take your issues." d. They are just there to pause, and tear down. d. Why? That's the key for me. I don't know yet. Everyone wants a link to the outside world, and "Randy" is it. YOu find the puzzle box, you don't need "RAndy." YOu have the Master Key. YOu are unbreakable.
"RAndy" dumped me today. All of them. Probably for reasons I won't know until later. This may be temporary, this may be permanent. I don't know that either. What I do know, they're all mean. They act, they don't act, it's all mean. NOne of them were ever my friend. That means that Morpheus was never my lover in the sense that he was never my love. YOu can still love a person who doesn't love you. YOu can love him a lot. YOu can love him every day. He can send you coded messages every day that he loves you back when you don't believe it to be true. He can be Rod, even though he's not Rod. d.
There is a meanness in the "RAndy's" all of them and a hatred that is real. YOu can't fake that shit. YOu can't buy it, you can't loan it. d. d.
MOrpheus over the phone was lying. To me. He could have been someone else. Hacked voice. But I don't think so since the phone call was cut off.
I feel like I won another round, but lost another war. Because you can think, someone is borrowing Morpheus's lines, pretending to be "RAndy" and not really either--or you can just think the easiest thing. MOrpheus never loved me. Hence why he never showed up, he never called. He was never there. He's letting me drown.
The aliens know, knowledge and all, paranoia and all, I won't go back. Short of a miracle of god and all, and god doesn't do those sorts of miracles. NO.
The General has MOrpheus's depth and pace of voice. They are the same. YOu could be you. However, no one cares nor acts upon information. All "RAndy's" are mean. All have done and said the similar.
They are trying to squeeze me harder. IN any way they can. "Randy" is just one way. But they are all going along with it. From the more powerful one to the less. This isn't me against one or two, this is me against now all of them. Did I make it so? I must have. Want to say it's me and my mental illness? This isn't the 1950's, asshole. This is 2011. a. Things are different.
I went there for lunch. My pizza. CAme out cold. I brought it up to the counter. "Cold." Fix.
Brought it out again. Cold. d.
I almost fucking lost it. I told the waitress LIzzy from HOllywood, we are not paying for the meal. AT all.
I snatched the bill out of my stepfather's hand.
I embarrassed my stepfather. I had to walk out.
If I waas with someone else, I would have demanded that no one paid for anything. Bullshit. Bad service. Unusually so.
Everytime I go into Big Sky, excellent. Every time. d. Food. Always good. Worth the money.
I've never done anything like that.
While I was leaving downtown sLO, someone in a wheelchair called me "smiley."
I just wanted to be left alone, no pet names, and a car. A really fast car. No plates.
I called my stepfather and told him it was about the FBI deal, how he wouldn't back me up, this call was 20 years too late, he had never backed me up my whole life. I cried after I hung up. d. Just on the sidewalk, out of place. Crying. a. IN public.
I couldn't make it all the way out, so I hung out at a bus stop. WAtching traffic. For him. Is that car him? Is he hiding his face? Does he work somewhere else? Is he paid to watch me? Does he just do it sometimes to check in on me? Is that him there? NO. d. He could be there. NO. d. Does he love me or was he just assigned? All the technology in the world, and I only wonder about one thing.
Even more than pizza. d. MOre than my family situation.
When I was at Ridgecrest Rite Aid, that was proof. Look-A-LIke. He never existed.
The "RAndy's" are now all mean. All of them. They have a script. They say things just to be mean. "I can't take your issues." d. They are just there to pause, and tear down. d. Why? That's the key for me. I don't know yet. Everyone wants a link to the outside world, and "Randy" is it. YOu find the puzzle box, you don't need "RAndy." YOu have the Master Key. YOu are unbreakable.
"RAndy" dumped me today. All of them. Probably for reasons I won't know until later. This may be temporary, this may be permanent. I don't know that either. What I do know, they're all mean. They act, they don't act, it's all mean. NOne of them were ever my friend. That means that Morpheus was never my lover in the sense that he was never my love. YOu can still love a person who doesn't love you. YOu can love him a lot. YOu can love him every day. He can send you coded messages every day that he loves you back when you don't believe it to be true. He can be Rod, even though he's not Rod. d.
There is a meanness in the "RAndy's" all of them and a hatred that is real. YOu can't fake that shit. YOu can't buy it, you can't loan it. d. d.
MOrpheus over the phone was lying. To me. He could have been someone else. Hacked voice. But I don't think so since the phone call was cut off.
I feel like I won another round, but lost another war. Because you can think, someone is borrowing Morpheus's lines, pretending to be "RAndy" and not really either--or you can just think the easiest thing. MOrpheus never loved me. Hence why he never showed up, he never called. He was never there. He's letting me drown.
The aliens know, knowledge and all, paranoia and all, I won't go back. Short of a miracle of god and all, and god doesn't do those sorts of miracles. NO.
The General has MOrpheus's depth and pace of voice. They are the same. YOu could be you. However, no one cares nor acts upon information. All "RAndy's" are mean. All have done and said the similar.
They are trying to squeeze me harder. IN any way they can. "Randy" is just one way. But they are all going along with it. From the more powerful one to the less. This isn't me against one or two, this is me against now all of them. Did I make it so? I must have. Want to say it's me and my mental illness? This isn't the 1950's, asshole. This is 2011. a. Things are different.
Do You Know where the FBI Is? NO. d
If you lack all imagination, and all sense of thrill,
You would always just suppress breathing during sleep (disrupting basic brain function). Add in a little alcohol. Blame it on natural causes. DRug interaction.
I know from experience. d
The technology must not quite be there, or someone was pressing the breathe button behind someone else's back.
NO. da
I kept waking up, gasping for air. BEcause I had--what?--quit breathing. I came closer to death there than when I ODed. I have no idea why. I didn't take enough SEroquel. I didn't drink that much alcohol. Life is short.
If you're going to die, you're going to die.
Yesterday, I figured, I was going to die. ON Highway 154, no one was even following me. I was bored. I was disappointed. Then, I was happy. AT the FBI FEderal Building, I figured they were going to give me some kind of job. Let me play aorund like I was semi-important, give me money for information, but not anytyhing official. NO. Girls working clients are invaluable because clients trust girls for some reason. A smart, educated girl who plays dumb. INvaluable for intelliegence. d. Me? NO. I'm pretty and thin enough to do it. My ahir and nails done and I could go to work in LA. Maybe they don't need another girl, but they need a mess cleaned up. I wouldn't fuck MOrpheus anymore, and the NOra's would calm down. a. But no! That was my good idea! They'd be afraid I'd get money and knock on Morpheus's door.
"Honey, we have to go to France. Good health care there. And I got a lawyers.
A lawyers?"
Yeah. TEn." dd
And that's BlackWATer." d
All of those cars?
Yeah. d
I invested in the stockmarket. d
But my happiness didn't last. Because someone paid attention to me for two minutes, and then killed my dreams of finding the bottom of my own mess. d.
I tell myself to be less emotional about the situation or if I'm emotional to do it to the right person. What person is there? If you're going to be angry at Mom, do it to Mom, but do so wisely. ONly I can't because I can't be empowered. I have to live here. And the list goes from there. So, we displace our anger.
Antisocials feed off of pain and misery. This is not a government conspiracy for me, it's a Antisocial model. They like the screaming and the yelling and the fuel. It's fun for them. YOu drive to the FBI Building, but can't find it, they like the fact you're hysterically crying to "Grandma" about how your life is ruined. d. That isn't the Government. That's a single or a few individuals inside the government.
They love the horror show. They get off on it.
They pick victims who they know they can beat. Basic theory. Once in a while, they're wrong.
During one part of yesterday, I didn't think I was going to make it to the FBI because I was tired, and I couldn't find the fucking thing. The directions on the website were either wrong or I wrote them down wrong. I made a psycho call to 911. Screamed at the lady on 911.
"This isn't an emergency."
YES .IT is! d
I can't call 411. It will get me further lost. IT has been hacked.
I asked a lady who works at the fucking Post Office. "Do you know where the FBI is?"
NO. a She wouldn't tell me. why? Surely she knows where the fuck it is. Was she hacked too?
NO i
DRiving around, driving around, driving around. My life in crisis mode.
And why? Someone(s) has a vendetta, which has reached the level of the FBI.
You would always just suppress breathing during sleep (disrupting basic brain function). Add in a little alcohol. Blame it on natural causes. DRug interaction.
I know from experience. d
The technology must not quite be there, or someone was pressing the breathe button behind someone else's back.
NO. da
I kept waking up, gasping for air. BEcause I had--what?--quit breathing. I came closer to death there than when I ODed. I have no idea why. I didn't take enough SEroquel. I didn't drink that much alcohol. Life is short.
If you're going to die, you're going to die.
Yesterday, I figured, I was going to die. ON Highway 154, no one was even following me. I was bored. I was disappointed. Then, I was happy. AT the FBI FEderal Building, I figured they were going to give me some kind of job. Let me play aorund like I was semi-important, give me money for information, but not anytyhing official. NO. Girls working clients are invaluable because clients trust girls for some reason. A smart, educated girl who plays dumb. INvaluable for intelliegence. d. Me? NO. I'm pretty and thin enough to do it. My ahir and nails done and I could go to work in LA. Maybe they don't need another girl, but they need a mess cleaned up. I wouldn't fuck MOrpheus anymore, and the NOra's would calm down. a. But no! That was my good idea! They'd be afraid I'd get money and knock on Morpheus's door.
"Honey, we have to go to France. Good health care there. And I got a lawyers.
A lawyers?"
Yeah. TEn." dd
And that's BlackWATer." d
All of those cars?
Yeah. d
I invested in the stockmarket. d
But my happiness didn't last. Because someone paid attention to me for two minutes, and then killed my dreams of finding the bottom of my own mess. d.
I tell myself to be less emotional about the situation or if I'm emotional to do it to the right person. What person is there? If you're going to be angry at Mom, do it to Mom, but do so wisely. ONly I can't because I can't be empowered. I have to live here. And the list goes from there. So, we displace our anger.
Antisocials feed off of pain and misery. This is not a government conspiracy for me, it's a Antisocial model. They like the screaming and the yelling and the fuel. It's fun for them. YOu drive to the FBI Building, but can't find it, they like the fact you're hysterically crying to "Grandma" about how your life is ruined. d. That isn't the Government. That's a single or a few individuals inside the government.
They love the horror show. They get off on it.
They pick victims who they know they can beat. Basic theory. Once in a while, they're wrong.
During one part of yesterday, I didn't think I was going to make it to the FBI because I was tired, and I couldn't find the fucking thing. The directions on the website were either wrong or I wrote them down wrong. I made a psycho call to 911. Screamed at the lady on 911.
"This isn't an emergency."
YES .IT is! d
I can't call 411. It will get me further lost. IT has been hacked.
I asked a lady who works at the fucking Post Office. "Do you know where the FBI is?"
NO. a She wouldn't tell me. why? Surely she knows where the fuck it is. Was she hacked too?
NO i
DRiving around, driving around, driving around. My life in crisis mode.
And why? Someone(s) has a vendetta, which has reached the level of the FBI.
ONe of them at the bar said that speech was next level.
Like this is reaching enlightenment.
This is not enlightenment. To me, I see this as cognitive side effects. Commonly seen with some drugs, disorders,etc.
I argued that if you concentrate hard enough, you can overpower it because there is the machine behind the brain, the brain of the brain. Neuroscience proves this. WE are who we are, fuck you, you can't take that. d.
He said no.
The FBI Agent on Duty called it "mind control."
"It's not mind control," I argued back. "It's in the hands." I wanted to give him my theory, but didn't. It's neurostimulation. He knows more about it than I do. Why argue? One part of the brain says, ah. I override. You.
But if you don't pay attention, they hijack it. TAke it. All of it.
Strong emotions, next to impossible. d.
Like this is reaching enlightenment.
This is not enlightenment. To me, I see this as cognitive side effects. Commonly seen with some drugs, disorders,etc.
I argued that if you concentrate hard enough, you can overpower it because there is the machine behind the brain, the brain of the brain. Neuroscience proves this. WE are who we are, fuck you, you can't take that. d.
He said no.
The FBI Agent on Duty called it "mind control."
"It's not mind control," I argued back. "It's in the hands." I wanted to give him my theory, but didn't. It's neurostimulation. He knows more about it than I do. Why argue? One part of the brain says, ah. I override. You.
But if you don't pay attention, they hijack it. TAke it. All of it.
Strong emotions, next to impossible. d.
WAnt the Dee Off
I grill him on the sidewalk, who do you work for? ARe you a part of Anon? ?Are you Anti-Sec? ETc.
He just smiles at me, like I don't get it. It is half-playful, not quite condescending, but toying.
I have issues with the hackers fucking over the nonhackers anyway.
"I'm gone." LOL> That's not what I said. I said, "I'm good. I stared down a FBI agent today. I was a prostitute. I did this for a living." I left. He had a right to keep his life private. I had a right not to end up blacked out. IN Mexico. Three days later. d.
He was better than the last one.
NO
"You're paranoid," STox says. d. sTatment of fact as if I will get over it.
I use to be brave. You should have seen me. Once.
They want to use me for sex, and I want someone to get the Dee off.
We're all in a crappy mood lately. ad
He just smiles at me, like I don't get it. It is half-playful, not quite condescending, but toying.
I have issues with the hackers fucking over the nonhackers anyway.
"I'm gone." LOL> That's not what I said. I said, "I'm good. I stared down a FBI agent today. I was a prostitute. I did this for a living." I left. He had a right to keep his life private. I had a right not to end up blacked out. IN Mexico. Three days later. d.
He was better than the last one.
NO
"You're paranoid," STox says. d. sTatment of fact as if I will get over it.
I use to be brave. You should have seen me. Once.
They want to use me for sex, and I want someone to get the Dee off.
We're all in a crappy mood lately. ad
crying Hysterics
They have me in lock down.
I spent my resources this month on that trip to the FBI.
My crying hysterics about my situation do not move anyone because no one is living it but me. Maybe this was all coming, and I didn't see it. I've been through more. Pain. Loss.
I don't know why I call him. I'm split on what to do if he calls back. You're late. A list of wrong's. Maybe just to say it.
No one is affected by this, my pain, except me--but they are angered by my reactions to terrorization. They do not pity the terror I feel. There's not even a fine difference. d It is coarse. I'm worn out being someone no one wants. Because I'm going through a rough time-which isn't even my fault.
Depression is internal.
This at least is external. Causeed by someone else.
Be a victim. See if anyone cares about you. d. Be a victim again. See if anyone cares again.
Be in that kind of neighborhood.
On the flipside the "RAndy's" can't tlak about themselves. AT all. I'm sorry for that.
I only have so many choices. Cut off all the phone lines. Or just deal with it.
I spent my resources this month on that trip to the FBI.
My crying hysterics about my situation do not move anyone because no one is living it but me. Maybe this was all coming, and I didn't see it. I've been through more. Pain. Loss.
I don't know why I call him. I'm split on what to do if he calls back. You're late. A list of wrong's. Maybe just to say it.
No one is affected by this, my pain, except me--but they are angered by my reactions to terrorization. They do not pity the terror I feel. There's not even a fine difference. d It is coarse. I'm worn out being someone no one wants. Because I'm going through a rough time-which isn't even my fault.
Depression is internal.
This at least is external. Causeed by someone else.
Be a victim. See if anyone cares about you. d. Be a victim again. See if anyone cares again.
Be in that kind of neighborhood.
On the flipside the "RAndy's" can't tlak about themselves. AT all. I'm sorry for that.
I only have so many choices. Cut off all the phone lines. Or just deal with it.
I explained roughly the Switchboard Concept to the Duty FBI AGent.
"Not possible."
"NOt possible? Hacking into the phone lines came first." I slept thorugh that class, and I remember that much. d "YOu can tell me it's not happening to me, but..."
He's not going to budge.
He just has to look at the evidence--
"Not possible."
"NOt possible? Hacking into the phone lines came first." I slept thorugh that class, and I remember that much. d "YOu can tell me it's not happening to me, but..."
He's not going to budge.
He just has to look at the evidence--
The WRongs of the SWitchboard
One of the "Grandma's" said, "YOu don't know what they'll do to you...I worked for the government..." This awas after the FBI dog-n-pony show. More vague threats. d It sounded like NOra. Honestly.
I'm walking up and down Wilshire. Tired. I've been up since 3am. "Grandma" is on the phone. "You have to use your brain. Think." Sounded like something one of the "RAndy's" said. d. I have nightmares about this bullshit. I stand on the side of the sidewalk, resting up next to a building with my laptop, the magical machine, and watch people pass until a woman comes by. I ask her where the FBI is. She tells me in the FEderal Building. I drove past it all day. For hours. LIke a fucking dumbass.
I should be in a hospital. Now. I'd go but it would be more ammo. For them. For my parents. "Lacey is ill." Bullshit. I"m exhausted. d. It took me two hours to figure out how to open the gas cap on the 300Touring because it's not my car. I'm fried. I put all my energy into fighting. Everyone is either condescending, belittling, (same), annoyed, apathetic or angry. I don't do much to help this because eventually I just fucking lose it. ONe of them is really calm. He just listens whenever I lose it. I don't know who he is. Ou can tell when he's on. The other night when I called "GRandma" a fucking stubborn bitch. d because of her stupid frog leg comment, more threats. It wears me out. d. He just listens. And takes it. I suspect it's one of two people. OR both of them.
IN my dreams, one of them knows a fight is coming, and he just says, I'll take this. Go ahead, Lacey. Sihgs. dd
BEcause there's still a few good ones left.
But you're always angry at the wrong person with this method. And always the wrong person gets it. d
I'm walking up and down Wilshire. Tired. I've been up since 3am. "Grandma" is on the phone. "You have to use your brain. Think." Sounded like something one of the "RAndy's" said. d. I have nightmares about this bullshit. I stand on the side of the sidewalk, resting up next to a building with my laptop, the magical machine, and watch people pass until a woman comes by. I ask her where the FBI is. She tells me in the FEderal Building. I drove past it all day. For hours. LIke a fucking dumbass.
I should be in a hospital. Now. I'd go but it would be more ammo. For them. For my parents. "Lacey is ill." Bullshit. I"m exhausted. d. It took me two hours to figure out how to open the gas cap on the 300Touring because it's not my car. I'm fried. I put all my energy into fighting. Everyone is either condescending, belittling, (same), annoyed, apathetic or angry. I don't do much to help this because eventually I just fucking lose it. ONe of them is really calm. He just listens whenever I lose it. I don't know who he is. Ou can tell when he's on. The other night when I called "GRandma" a fucking stubborn bitch. d because of her stupid frog leg comment, more threats. It wears me out. d. He just listens. And takes it. I suspect it's one of two people. OR both of them.
IN my dreams, one of them knows a fight is coming, and he just says, I'll take this. Go ahead, Lacey. Sihgs. dd
BEcause there's still a few good ones left.
But you're always angry at the wrong person with this method. And always the wrong person gets it. d
"YOu don't have a theory."
NO. But they have a theory on me.
I was headed out to Highway 154 on my way home, tired, a little hung over---shhh--and I stopped at a convience store. Got Gatorade. The receipt was hacked. The items were doubled.
Why? I'm going home. Everything is quiet now.
NO. But they have a theory on me.
I was headed out to Highway 154 on my way home, tired, a little hung over---shhh--and I stopped at a convience store. Got Gatorade. The receipt was hacked. The items were doubled.
Why? I'm going home. Everything is quiet now.
O NO REAl Crimes Committed
Major battle loss yesterday.
The FBI allowed me into the LA FEderal building, allowed me to see July 28 FBI Agent On Duty, but he told me that real crimes were not being committed, and that it was only a symptom of my emental illness.
I hear this mantra of "real" over aNND over. I feel sad for these people, whoever they are, worse off than me. Who are told what is happening to them, never happened, or what happened happened--but given a different explanation that is wrong because they do not have the education or background to know the difference.
Academia is like the press. To me. They're still out there, doing good work, essentially for free. KNowledgable.
The only thing the agent gave away was the slight twitch, smirk of his mouth. That was it.
He knew to mention Morpheus and Howard, either because he figured it out in 10 minutes or he was prepared. d
I am sad for my country.
The FBI allowed me into the LA FEderal building, allowed me to see July 28 FBI Agent On Duty, but he told me that real crimes were not being committed, and that it was only a symptom of my emental illness.
I hear this mantra of "real" over aNND over. I feel sad for these people, whoever they are, worse off than me. Who are told what is happening to them, never happened, or what happened happened--but given a different explanation that is wrong because they do not have the education or background to know the difference.
Academia is like the press. To me. They're still out there, doing good work, essentially for free. KNowledgable.
The only thing the agent gave away was the slight twitch, smirk of his mouth. That was it.
He knew to mention Morpheus and Howard, either because he figured it out in 10 minutes or he was prepared. d
I am sad for my country.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Just Close Your Eyes
They threaten to kill me, partially knowing I don't have the guts to do it myself yet, and partially knowing I'd love it if they did it, at least then they run the chance of getting caught.
NO YSE
I'm going to hack that, and yes
NO YSE
I'm going to hack that, and yes
The Enterprise Experience
After a few normal interactions with employees from a local Enterprise, I realized that some people were just--nice.
I traded in the first car becaues of a bad blind spot on the driver side. This was no fault of the people working there. Unless you were receiving death threats from anon hackers and had to drive a computer to the LA FBI, you probably wouldn't care.
Mark (real first name) was apologetic and sweet about it. So was JOhanna. They were so unlike the mind bending torment I go through on a daily basis that I have forgotten real people exist.
I'm overly sensitive. "Okay. Just. The. Car. Please. Don't. Look. Over. There. NO."
A strange lady came up while Johanna and I were talking by the first car.
I thought to myself. Oh. shit. Fucking paid. God-knows-what. OR government.
A lack of food, sunshine, watering and exercise will do that to a person.
I traded in the first car becaues of a bad blind spot on the driver side. This was no fault of the people working there. Unless you were receiving death threats from anon hackers and had to drive a computer to the LA FBI, you probably wouldn't care.
Mark (real first name) was apologetic and sweet about it. So was JOhanna. They were so unlike the mind bending torment I go through on a daily basis that I have forgotten real people exist.
I'm overly sensitive. "Okay. Just. The. Car. Please. Don't. Look. Over. There. NO."
A strange lady came up while Johanna and I were talking by the first car.
I thought to myself. Oh. shit. Fucking paid. God-knows-what. OR government.
A lack of food, sunshine, watering and exercise will do that to a person.
"The Grandma" pointed to my obsession.
I pointed to it being my only escape from hopelessness.
"She" then said I was afraid to turn it off. (the computer) Because then I couldn't talk to anyone.
As if I shouldn't be allowed to exist, almost.
If you know it's bad, it's probably bad. IF you can't tell it's bad, it's worse.
I refuse to go into complete isolation, although I doubt my little bits of writing do much good for anyone besides myself. If you are under siege, you throw bottles filled with notes over the wall, even if only the enemy catches them.
I raised my voice when I told "grandma" that I was right handed at the computer. dd. My right hand is sometimes considerably stornger.
I write because I must.
I pointed to it being my only escape from hopelessness.
"She" then said I was afraid to turn it off. (the computer) Because then I couldn't talk to anyone.
As if I shouldn't be allowed to exist, almost.
If you know it's bad, it's probably bad. IF you can't tell it's bad, it's worse.
I refuse to go into complete isolation, although I doubt my little bits of writing do much good for anyone besides myself. If you are under siege, you throw bottles filled with notes over the wall, even if only the enemy catches them.
I raised my voice when I told "grandma" that I was right handed at the computer. dd. My right hand is sometimes considerably stornger.
I write because I must.
If no one has hopes or wishes for me, I wish and hope for myself. That there is something about me to pull me out of this. Most of my friends, if not all of them, I'm fearful of asking them for any kind of favors or help.
I try to grab myself up.
If there is something so terrible about me to get myself into this mess, there is something so terribly great to get me out. aa.
I try to grab myself up.
If there is something so terrible about me to get myself into this mess, there is something so terribly great to get me out. aa.
YOu ARe Sterile. Kd.
When I told one of the "Grandma's" I had already lost, "she" was silent.
Was the war lost/
The hackers keep winking at me whenever I mention the FBI, going to the FBI.
I'm thinking, Jesus.
We said in the beginning. NO Jesus. ONly god. Job. Saul. Mary. NO Jesus. d. Gabriel. And then, the Devil. d.
One of them types.
Kd.
I think that means, I kidding.
I ahve no idea. IT could mean, I have one kid. I tell you again and again because you are sterile.
YOu should remember that.
Who knows with this group. It could just be a repeated mistake. One guy and his elbow at lunch. OOps. d. He can't get it right because he's new.
Was the war lost/
The hackers keep winking at me whenever I mention the FBI, going to the FBI.
I'm thinking, Jesus.
We said in the beginning. NO Jesus. ONly god. Job. Saul. Mary. NO Jesus. d. Gabriel. And then, the Devil. d.
One of them types.
Kd.
I think that means, I kidding.
I ahve no idea. IT could mean, I have one kid. I tell you again and again because you are sterile.
YOu should remember that.
Who knows with this group. It could just be a repeated mistake. One guy and his elbow at lunch. OOps. d. He can't get it right because he's new.
Checks and Balances - is there a [Demoncracy? d]
Just the power to fight back. But there's an evil in that, though, right?
Who watches the watchers?
Who watches the watchers?
"He can just pick up the phone and make things happen?" ONe of the alien h mock. d
Yeah.
I was sitting in my car in the parking lot in Hanford, CA. And I look over. There's this stray cat, staring at me. Grey. Sitting there. WAtching me.
Hence the idea of attack squirrels.
Everyone on the phones mocked that too.
IF the government hired me, I would be head of attack squirrels. My idea was that squirrels could be trained like any other animal. NO one thought this was humorous.
I found on in the front yard, up there close to the house. Smiling at me with a big, wide grin, munching away. As if to say that everything would be okay in the end.
I think about the squirrel whenever I save one. d
Yeah.
I was sitting in my car in the parking lot in Hanford, CA. And I look over. There's this stray cat, staring at me. Grey. Sitting there. WAtching me.
Hence the idea of attack squirrels.
Everyone on the phones mocked that too.
IF the government hired me, I would be head of attack squirrels. My idea was that squirrels could be trained like any other animal. NO one thought this was humorous.
I found on in the front yard, up there close to the house. Smiling at me with a big, wide grin, munching away. As if to say that everything would be okay in the end.
I think about the squirrel whenever I save one. d
My Own LIttle Army of One and Nowhere
It's what my parents and my grandmother never say.
They are disappointed in me.
All the basic reasons. I never finished college, I don't have a family of my own. I'm 28 years old, diagnosed with a severe mental disorder (by my own admission), several hospitalizations, I chose a different line of work, and I live at home for the time being. I write, but I've never been published.
With my mother, I always seem to pick the wrong battles. When it came to NJ, I won eventually but it took about a year. And it was not easy, I had some family help from my Uncle and my aunt, and from the real RAndy. I odn't know the last time I talked to him. Now, i am not so fortunate. Everyone waas on the side of me staying in CAlifornia. NO one wanted me in D.C. I have memories of there. Good ones. d.
Depressives all say the same, partially because it's true. "You're tired of me." Depression is exhausting. For everyone. YOu. Me. Others. Trauma is worse. d. My grandmother on the couch. Angry with me. That was tangible. AS the couch she was sitting on. She's not that good of an actress. d.
Why? I didn't do anything to her. IF I confused her for a hacker breaking into hte line, it was an honest mistake.
"YOu ahve told me over the phone, I am not your grandmother."
I hated to tell her, that they could you use my voice too. But I didn't go there.
Yse. Hacked the Yse. YES!
"It's not much of a friendship if you can't tell her what's going on." My grandmother said referring to a friend I've had since high school.
People don't want to know. Really. d. People might, if you warm them up to it, be ready for a rape story. This? NO. d.
All of it preceding this was bad. MOst if it. DAys in which the hotel room was dark and quiet, and I just rested, that was good. The job, whoring, is stressful. It is either chaotic. OR boring. Rarely do you get an interestingly client anymore. I did it more to avoid the rest of life. You work 2 hours a day to avoid working the eother six. Laziness? NO. d
As far as I know, I'm theo nly person who openly writes now about being a ex-prostitute. I'll have to check on that. Everyone else uses an anon. l. I didn't think about that until after I did it, and--well--
Oops. d
--
In a restaurant. "Here are your eggs...You were a whore?"
Yeah.
oh. Okay. d. WAs it fun?
Sometimes.
OKay.
--
No one shared my vision. Comment I made in the other blog. a. I wanted to help horses, help other sex workers. Things I couldn't do without finishing my education, a battle all unto its own. There are huge cognitive side effects, rom medications, from god knows what else.
I told one fo the "Grandma's" what I feared. Not death . But disempowerment. My mother said that one was not enough, even for the press to worry about. This is not true. ONe death actually strikes the hearts of people more than the deaths of thousands. We don't pay attention to stats. But I have to have allies. I can't run my own little ARmy of ONe and get anywhere.
They are disappointed in me.
All the basic reasons. I never finished college, I don't have a family of my own. I'm 28 years old, diagnosed with a severe mental disorder (by my own admission), several hospitalizations, I chose a different line of work, and I live at home for the time being. I write, but I've never been published.
With my mother, I always seem to pick the wrong battles. When it came to NJ, I won eventually but it took about a year. And it was not easy, I had some family help from my Uncle and my aunt, and from the real RAndy. I odn't know the last time I talked to him. Now, i am not so fortunate. Everyone waas on the side of me staying in CAlifornia. NO one wanted me in D.C. I have memories of there. Good ones. d.
Depressives all say the same, partially because it's true. "You're tired of me." Depression is exhausting. For everyone. YOu. Me. Others. Trauma is worse. d. My grandmother on the couch. Angry with me. That was tangible. AS the couch she was sitting on. She's not that good of an actress. d.
Why? I didn't do anything to her. IF I confused her for a hacker breaking into hte line, it was an honest mistake.
"YOu ahve told me over the phone, I am not your grandmother."
I hated to tell her, that they could you use my voice too. But I didn't go there.
Yse. Hacked the Yse. YES!
"It's not much of a friendship if you can't tell her what's going on." My grandmother said referring to a friend I've had since high school.
People don't want to know. Really. d. People might, if you warm them up to it, be ready for a rape story. This? NO. d.
All of it preceding this was bad. MOst if it. DAys in which the hotel room was dark and quiet, and I just rested, that was good. The job, whoring, is stressful. It is either chaotic. OR boring. Rarely do you get an interestingly client anymore. I did it more to avoid the rest of life. You work 2 hours a day to avoid working the eother six. Laziness? NO. d
As far as I know, I'm theo nly person who openly writes now about being a ex-prostitute. I'll have to check on that. Everyone else uses an anon. l. I didn't think about that until after I did it, and--well--
Oops. d
--
In a restaurant. "Here are your eggs...You were a whore?"
Yeah.
oh. Okay. d. WAs it fun?
Sometimes.
OKay.
--
No one shared my vision. Comment I made in the other blog. a. I wanted to help horses, help other sex workers. Things I couldn't do without finishing my education, a battle all unto its own. There are huge cognitive side effects, rom medications, from god knows what else.
I told one fo the "Grandma's" what I feared. Not death . But disempowerment. My mother said that one was not enough, even for the press to worry about. This is not true. ONe death actually strikes the hearts of people more than the deaths of thousands. We don't pay attention to stats. But I have to have allies. I can't run my own little ARmy of ONe and get anywhere.
People hacked into my phone line, pretended to be other people, just to torture me, and then pretended to be surprised when I got pissed off and angrya, and then worse, probably dropped off, and let the line switch to the real person, so that person listened to me scream and yell.
And then everyone wonders why I'm nuts. I"m nuts because I should be nuts. This is madly driven. DRiven mad.
"Lacey, you know, I just, ah," I hear that tone of belittling bullshit.
"You should just give it a week." Give it a week? They won't take vacations. They won't quit. They don't even sleep. YOu get up at three am, there they are. Awake. I don't know how it's possible. But it's true. Ghost program. Monitoring. Guy with a donut, sitting in a bad chair. Who knows? They are out there. WAtching.
And then everyone wonders why I'm nuts. I"m nuts because I should be nuts. This is madly driven. DRiven mad.
"Lacey, you know, I just, ah," I hear that tone of belittling bullshit.
"You should just give it a week." Give it a week? They won't take vacations. They won't quit. They don't even sleep. YOu get up at three am, there they are. Awake. I don't know how it's possible. But it's true. Ghost program. Monitoring. Guy with a donut, sitting in a bad chair. Who knows? They are out there. WAtching.
IF you're dangling at the end of your rope, ranting and raving about your those who wish to take away your agency and power does no further harm.
ONe of the "Grandma's" argued against that. Probably because writing spurs on further confrontation. That could be my only thought.
Both my mother and my grandmother, the only people I have real contact with anymore, tell me I have no proof. I do. The computer. However, the computer has to be examined by someone who knows what he/she is looking at. [I hate the
NO]
I have. The cell pphones. More work. For anyone.
Even I know this is a fight that is likely to take me under. I fight it more because I'm amazed by other people's reactions, a comment I keep making .l Few people aren't bullied. d Some people aren't bullied, but are just mean anyway. I won't mention this person by name because I don't have to .
After last night's phone call with evne a fake Grandma, I realized I couldn't just talk to Grandma. About any of it. Who could I? No one ? I have to talk to someone. The real one in person gets upset. It's not just a giant ploy. I need you, but you can't be there for me. YOu're not capable. It's more of hte same. she told me to call one of my friends. I cna't. For reasons I explained on the phone.
The people who do this, as in plural, want you to be isolated, it's part of the trip. Malicious hacking, byproduct or no. d
I'd have to find someone who was in the government, who no one else knew, who was outside of the group.
He would have to say, "Hmmm....d...yeah, I will help you get rid of that, coffee?" d. But I have no idea how to find Howard.
ONe of the "Grandma's" argued against that. Probably because writing spurs on further confrontation. That could be my only thought.
Both my mother and my grandmother, the only people I have real contact with anymore, tell me I have no proof. I do. The computer. However, the computer has to be examined by someone who knows what he/she is looking at. [I hate the
NO]
I have. The cell pphones. More work. For anyone.
Even I know this is a fight that is likely to take me under. I fight it more because I'm amazed by other people's reactions, a comment I keep making .l Few people aren't bullied. d Some people aren't bullied, but are just mean anyway. I won't mention this person by name because I don't have to .
After last night's phone call with evne a fake Grandma, I realized I couldn't just talk to Grandma. About any of it. Who could I? No one ? I have to talk to someone. The real one in person gets upset. It's not just a giant ploy. I need you, but you can't be there for me. YOu're not capable. It's more of hte same. she told me to call one of my friends. I cna't. For reasons I explained on the phone.
The people who do this, as in plural, want you to be isolated, it's part of the trip. Malicious hacking, byproduct or no. d
I'd have to find someone who was in the government, who no one else knew, who was outside of the group.
He would have to say, "Hmmm....d...yeah, I will help you get rid of that, coffee?" d. But I have no idea how to find Howard.
We eat the frog legs. da
Grandma, after I explained to her in very rough terms the neurostimulation idea behind advanced hacking, freaked out, saying she was going to die, and that I was nuts and that the FBI was going to keep me. d
I secretly thought that [Randra] Grandam wasn't Grandam . d, but probably another hacker.
nO
I explained it using the ol' remember when you made the frog legs jump in grammar school?
nO
Basic idea.
We eat the frog legs now.
Her hysterics were a little out of range, but typical for this situation. YOu have to keep quiet about everything, etc, etc, etc.
I told her this is the worst. The frog legs. After that, I have no more bad news. Yet.
Grandma, after I explained to her in very rough terms the neurostimulation idea behind advanced hacking, freaked out, saying she was going to die, and that I was nuts and that the FBI was going to keep me. d
I secretly thought that [Randra] Grandam wasn't Grandam . d, but probably another hacker.
nO
I explained it using the ol' remember when you made the frog legs jump in grammar school?
nO
Basic idea.
We eat the frog legs now.
Her hysterics were a little out of range, but typical for this situation. YOu have to keep quiet about everything, etc, etc, etc.
I told her this is the worst. The frog legs. After that, I have no more bad news. Yet.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
WE Make WAr. Just Me AGain
I think I will kill myself, not because they want me to, but just because everyone else, who was gaslighted, thought it couldn't happen. d
I taste the bitter irony, which is like the iron in the bloody snot, thanks to the bloody nose.
I will not die due to the death threats or due to them who threaten me.
NO. I die due to apathy.
I die due to my own fault. I relied on crappy theories, and bad premises, faulty logic, and basic psychology that only matched if matched with a single individual with Borderline Personality Disorder. I die due to a few bad decisions.
We make those, right?
I die because I can't forgive August 10, 2008 and August 20, 2008, and then I say, fuck it.
Finish it.
Because we started war.
And war, we shall have.
It's only the war against myself. IF you ask the hackers, they say, they don't exist.
It's just me, I and myself, and that girl there, me again.
Ask the FBI, they never heard of me.
Get it?
I taste the bitter irony, which is like the iron in the bloody snot, thanks to the bloody nose.
I will not die due to the death threats or due to them who threaten me.
NO. I die due to apathy.
I die due to my own fault. I relied on crappy theories, and bad premises, faulty logic, and basic psychology that only matched if matched with a single individual with Borderline Personality Disorder. I die due to a few bad decisions.
We make those, right?
I die because I can't forgive August 10, 2008 and August 20, 2008, and then I say, fuck it.
Finish it.
Because we started war.
And war, we shall have.
It's only the war against myself. IF you ask the hackers, they say, they don't exist.
It's just me, I and myself, and that girl there, me again.
Ask the FBI, they never heard of me.
Get it?
What would life be like if I stopped existing? For my family? For this house? IF I ceased?
In reality, it would be messy. You can't just stop one day.
There's the half of the coin of apathy I contend with, there's the half of the coin that appears to strongly hate me.
In mix, I find myself morbidly curious how both can borrow the same room today. I poke.
We only amuse each other like horses will toss their heads and froth at the mouth, green with grass, pale pink with blood.
"If I were you, I would go off the grind," My mother says with a little wave of her hand. She blames me, I can tell. My job.
They will find me. Anyway. I have to write. I have to stay visible. Before I die.
In reality, it would be messy. You can't just stop one day.
There's the half of the coin of apathy I contend with, there's the half of the coin that appears to strongly hate me.
In mix, I find myself morbidly curious how both can borrow the same room today. I poke.
We only amuse each other like horses will toss their heads and froth at the mouth, green with grass, pale pink with blood.
"If I were you, I would go off the grind," My mother says with a little wave of her hand. She blames me, I can tell. My job.
They will find me. Anyway. I have to write. I have to stay visible. Before I die.
I write because it's the only way I stay connected to me.
this is me.
I"m only in existence here. This is my world, my planet.
YOu will not steal this. YOu can take everything else.
NO. YOu haven't learned how to hack creativity. Yet. You're going to have fight [yarder.] harder.
When I'm gone, this might matter to someone. Maybe not, but it matters to me. Today. Yesterday.
this is me.
I"m only in existence here. This is my world, my planet.
YOu will not steal this. YOu can take everything else.
NO. YOu haven't learned how to hack creativity. Yet. You're going to have fight [yarder.] harder.
When I'm gone, this might matter to someone. Maybe not, but it matters to me. Today. Yesterday.
Wrods [I can do anything --See?]
"Talking about love is like dancing about architecture."
--Joan
Playing By Heart (1998)
"You talk too damn uchm." -- HIm
YOu said it.
I know.
--Joan
Playing By Heart (1998)
"You talk too damn uchm." -- HIm
YOu said it.
I know.
Despite all appearances, I sitll hope .d
It atkes more than even this, bad grammar, bad mistakes, bad hackers, bad typos, homeless, poverty, and more. To make lose hope.
Perhaps 2008 was too much of lesson.
I still hope there's a plan.
That I can walk into the FBI building and someone pays attention.
I still hope. Somewhere inside .
It atkes more than even this, bad grammar, bad mistakes, bad hackers, bad typos, homeless, poverty, and more. To make lose hope.
Perhaps 2008 was too much of lesson.
I still hope there's a plan.
That I can walk into the FBI building and someone pays attention.
I still hope. Somewhere inside .
Monday, July 25, 2011
I'm not scared of them killing me. I'm scared of what I'll have to do when I realize they're not going to kill me and then I have to do something with my wrecked life.
LIke tomorrow.
Ooops. Shit. NO job. NO car. NO money. WAsted. ON running around after the Jack's.
That's scared. That's real life.
There's no one to call and cry about that bullshit to.
IF I did it, I'd only be a statistic.
LIke tomorrow.
Ooops. Shit. NO job. NO car. NO money. WAsted. ON running around after the Jack's.
That's scared. That's real life.
There's no one to call and cry about that bullshit to.
IF I did it, I'd only be a statistic.
Saul
Since we're on the subject, and you asked, you did.
Saul is still Saul .
He never changed to Paul.
god told me.
and yes, god talks to me all the time.
Saul is still Saul .
He never changed to Paul.
god told me.
and yes, god talks to me all the time.
The Gates of Hell
I have only two thoughts on the matter, although I write a lot because I love writing:
1) I'm not really going to die unless I kill myself.
2) I am going to die and everyone around me is a corrupt as the people who intent to do the killing (directly or indirectly, which is a complicated matter in this case from the harassment online)
When I mean everyone, I mean everyone. Family and friends all included.
I think I save one person in that group. That's it.
Why would you want to live in such a world? Hence, #1.
1) I'm not really going to die unless I kill myself.
2) I am going to die and everyone around me is a corrupt as the people who intent to do the killing (directly or indirectly, which is a complicated matter in this case from the harassment online)
When I mean everyone, I mean everyone. Family and friends all included.
I think I save one person in that group. That's it.
Why would you want to live in such a world? Hence, #1.
One part of my brain says, I can ride this out until it goes away.
The other part of my brain says, I have to go to the FBI. NOw.
Another part of my brain says, they're all lying because there's a set up. The set up? Even I on my best day couldn't figure that out.
The FBI, from the short phone conversation, is about as interested as the administrative assistant was at the vet clinic when I talked to her about my grandmother's dog. The dog was dead in less than 12 hours.
The lady at the FBI acted like the US Treasury is hacked ever yday. REally? Every day? And that this technoloyg here is founded in every home in America. Your average citizen has it. Like how microwaves were a big deal, then not. TV's huge, then not . I'm just ahead of the curve.
I live with a sense of urgency.
"I'm not filling out a form!" I said. I would have made, if I had graduated, a greeat vet.
I wasted my 28-years. I suspect more and more every day, these people are more and more serious. If only because I'm less and less inclined to do anything about their outrageous behavior. Cyber-behavior. I liked it better when I was chasing men in cars. Being stalked.
We don't have time for forms, FBI! I would like to rant. WE are losing our rights as Americans!
She picked up the phone, sitting behind her desk, drinking her coffee. Not amused. Hangs up.
The other part of my brain says, I have to go to the FBI. NOw.
Another part of my brain says, they're all lying because there's a set up. The set up? Even I on my best day couldn't figure that out.
The FBI, from the short phone conversation, is about as interested as the administrative assistant was at the vet clinic when I talked to her about my grandmother's dog. The dog was dead in less than 12 hours.
The lady at the FBI acted like the US Treasury is hacked ever yday. REally? Every day? And that this technoloyg here is founded in every home in America. Your average citizen has it. Like how microwaves were a big deal, then not. TV's huge, then not . I'm just ahead of the curve.
I live with a sense of urgency.
"I'm not filling out a form!" I said. I would have made, if I had graduated, a greeat vet.
I wasted my 28-years. I suspect more and more every day, these people are more and more serious. If only because I'm less and less inclined to do anything about their outrageous behavior. Cyber-behavior. I liked it better when I was chasing men in cars. Being stalked.
We don't have time for forms, FBI! I would like to rant. WE are losing our rights as Americans!
She picked up the phone, sitting behind her desk, drinking her coffee. Not amused. Hangs up.
They Made a Movie Out of That
NO one feels sorry for me. There's no hand out's of pity for mme.
I can't tell if this is because of my last job, like I secretly deserve it or people just [can't] aren't capable of it.
Their flat words is fucking annoying. Worse than ever being my friend at all. People are bad in crisis. Period.
The dirty whore deserves to die syndrome.
[called Se7ev]
I can't tell if this is because of my last job, like I secretly deserve it or people just [can't] aren't capable of it.
Their flat words is fucking annoying. Worse than ever being my friend at all. People are bad in crisis. Period.
The dirty whore deserves to die syndrome.
[called Se7ev]
Did MOrpheus only lead me down a path of revenge?
If you ask two hackers, one will say NO. ONe will say NO. d.
He just started showing up more. IN trucks. Behind me. IN front of me. d. So, I followed.
IN cars. I followed. d
I look back, and wonder was that the wrong choice?
"I'm just making conversation."
If you ask two hackers, one will say NO. ONe will say NO. d.
He just started showing up more. IN trucks. Behind me. IN front of me. d. So, I followed.
IN cars. I followed. d
I look back, and wonder was that the wrong choice?
"I'm just making conversation."
This is a True STory
People are so burdened by being told about what's going on.
Imagine what it's like to live through it.
Imagine what it's like to live through it.
I don't even have someone to scream at.
That's how sad my life is.
Back in 2008, this was where I was at. Bottom. all my friends left me. My family didn't like me.
I hated the morphine. I hated the pain it hid.
People, the hackers, say August 10th was staged.
"You thought it was real."
I have good instincts. d
He went outside. He was either getting high, getting drunk or getting into a fight.
Maybe all three.
Tehy won't say. PRobably for the best.
That's how sad my life is.
Back in 2008, this was where I was at. Bottom. all my friends left me. My family didn't like me.
I hated the morphine. I hated the pain it hid.
People, the hackers, say August 10th was staged.
"You thought it was real."
I have good instincts. d
He went outside. He was either getting high, getting drunk or getting into a fight.
Maybe all three.
Tehy won't say. PRobably for the best.
If I die, I die over some guy who doesn't love love me, and over some stupid bullshit at work, and over my blog, which wasn't published, but was better than a lot of shit on the internet.
If I die, sometime next week, I still didn't spend it with you.
The aliens can't believe she's this stubborn.
NO. d WE can.
If I die, sometime next, I'm sorry I never met my real dad. I never passed calc, and there's more...
If I die, sometime next week, I still didn't spend it with you.
The aliens can't believe she's this stubborn.
NO. d WE can.
If I die, sometime next, I'm sorry I never met my real dad. I never passed calc, and there's more...
I don't know what to do, except I found the obvious.
Big, bad trouble.
By mistake. d
Someone can tell me later that I had it all right, someone will tell me later, I had it all wrong, but mostly I know, you can die easily in a Cadillac on Highway 154 doing about 75 miles per hour.
Even if you aren't bleeding to death slowly. d
Big, bad trouble.
By mistake. d
Someone can tell me later that I had it all right, someone will tell me later, I had it all wrong, but mostly I know, you can die easily in a Cadillac on Highway 154 doing about 75 miles per hour.
Even if you aren't bleeding to death slowly. d
Why Ant is Trapped in his Own Film
Everyone tried to tell you, Lacey.
I think, "I'm a prostitute," would have worked for me, baby. What do you say?
I'm paid better than you are. A lot more money. I make so much money it negates whatever legal differences there is. YOu should see the money. A lot of moeny. d
How about "This right here is called, 'acting' and when you're older and wiser you will move on to someone else because I do have a wife and she considers this to be like washing the car." ?
It has to be real. For you, baby. YOu have to believe it. BAby. d You're sad and lonely now and heartbroken, and I've done this before to a few women, but they get over it. IN a few months. And I do it without guilt because it's my job. LIke Bond except no one dies.
YOu're so trite that they should make another movie out of you. d
I think, "I'm a prostitute," would have worked for me, baby. What do you say?
I'm paid better than you are. A lot more money. I make so much money it negates whatever legal differences there is. YOu should see the money. A lot of moeny. d
How about "This right here is called, 'acting' and when you're older and wiser you will move on to someone else because I do have a wife and she considers this to be like washing the car." ?
It has to be real. For you, baby. YOu have to believe it. BAby. d You're sad and lonely now and heartbroken, and I've done this before to a few women, but they get over it. IN a few months. And I do it without guilt because it's my job. LIke Bond except no one dies.
YOu're so trite that they should make another movie out of you. d
Don't CAll Me BAby
Everyone criticizes the job, but no one knows the job unless you fucking do the job yourself.
Right, baby?
Right.
Right, baby?
Right.
All those phone calls?
You had to take.
NOt because you were my friend.
Because it was your job. Your duty. To make. Loyal to a calling. d
Your job.
NOt to me.
What were you doing there?
You look down, "I love you."
Maybe you could barely spit the words out, maybe it was hard, maybe it was unethical for you. A little twist of guilt. YOu felt. Not because you found me after years of traveling online. NO. But because you were paid to say, "I love you." Who says, "I love you" for money? ONly whores. That's it.
I was your fucking job. d
"Don't be hurt about it, now, Lace, you have jobs, don't you ,babe?"
You had to take.
NOt because you were my friend.
Because it was your job. Your duty. To make. Loyal to a calling. d
Your job.
NOt to me.
What were you doing there?
You look down, "I love you."
Maybe you could barely spit the words out, maybe it was hard, maybe it was unethical for you. A little twist of guilt. YOu felt. Not because you found me after years of traveling online. NO. But because you were paid to say, "I love you." Who says, "I love you" for money? ONly whores. That's it.
I was your fucking job. d
"Don't be hurt about it, now, Lace, you have jobs, don't you ,babe?"
If I take the harm seriously, but not the actual threats--it's still hard to believe that one's life support can be cut off almost completely by a single organization like even the US government because you still have your family (social unit) and your friends (who are really less important). This single outcry must not be unusual. IN fact, it must be typical.
My mother would argue that the needs and the wants of the many must outweight the individual and/or minority.
I have argued Third REich. A strong group identity.
My mother would argue that the needs and the wants of the many must outweight the individual and/or minority.
I have argued Third REich. A strong group identity.
I threw out all of my old pills. IN a moment of brilliant insight. Months ago. Because I fight .
Figured.
That I would later become suicidal.
I did. I am.
Suicidal. YOu mix the right pills with alcohol, even if they are alone [the pills],
you mix,
you e dead.
NOw, I have nothing to kill myself with. I would have to get even more creative.
Figured.
That I would later become suicidal.
I did. I am.
Suicidal. YOu mix the right pills with alcohol, even if they are alone [the pills],
you mix,
you e dead.
NOw, I have nothing to kill myself with. I would have to get even more creative.
Fire, Part II
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
--Robert [Front] Frost "fire and ice"
If you really want to end my life, what would you do, you would end two things,
My ability to write,
and my relationship with MOrpheus
They've almost done it.
They're not quite there yet.
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
--Robert [Front] Frost "fire and ice"
If you really want to end my life, what would you do, you would end two things,
My ability to write,
and my relationship with MOrpheus
They've almost done it.
They're not quite there yet.
fire
I don't enjoy anything anymore.
I eagerly await the day when they get what they want, so they'll leave me alone. You lose another battle. You sit somewhere, alone, and then you start walking [agian] again. You fight, essentially, days or months or even a year or two later. a.
I don't enjoy food, I don't enjoy being outside or walking, I don't enjoy sex, I odn't [don't] enjoy writing, although I do massive amounts of it, I don't enjoy the [comapny] [cam] company of others, I don't enjoy my memories, which have betrayed me.
I don't even enjoy fighting anymore, for a while the fuel was [angry .,] anger.
I left my motivation a few weeks ago, or maybe it was a few dasys ago.
Thsi was my trap. Him. always him.
I was your job.
I had to have been. It's the only thing that makes any sense. To me.
He gets up, just leaves, I black out. last time.
YOu can rationalized it all you want. Some jobs you love. Some jobs you ahate.
YOu pick up the pieces, there's more.
Dear FBI,
Was I a job or the focus of a hate campaign?
Lacey
Which is worse, the FBI replies in a nice, neat little letter.
Fire. EVeryone wants fire.
I eagerly await the day when they get what they want, so they'll leave me alone. You lose another battle. You sit somewhere, alone, and then you start walking [agian] again. You fight, essentially, days or months or even a year or two later. a.
I don't enjoy food, I don't enjoy being outside or walking, I don't enjoy sex, I odn't [don't] enjoy writing, although I do massive amounts of it, I don't enjoy the [comapny] [cam] company of others, I don't enjoy my memories, which have betrayed me.
I don't even enjoy fighting anymore, for a while the fuel was [angry .,] anger.
I left my motivation a few weeks ago, or maybe it was a few dasys ago.
Thsi was my trap. Him. always him.
I was your job.
I had to have been. It's the only thing that makes any sense. To me.
He gets up, just leaves, I black out. last time.
YOu can rationalized it all you want. Some jobs you love. Some jobs you ahate.
YOu pick up the pieces, there's more.
Dear FBI,
Was I a job or the focus of a hate campaign?
Lacey
Which is worse, the FBI replies in a nice, neat little letter.
Fire. EVeryone wants fire.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Jack
"I am Jack's broken heart."
I'm all hte feelings Jack should have.
But doesn't.
[Fight Club]
Why liberties to read aren't that great.
I'm all hte feelings Jack should have.
But doesn't.
[Fight Club]
Why liberties to read aren't that great.
It's just some government agenda.
Why/
THere's no why. Who? There's no individuals. NO face. NO details. YOu can't learn. d
There's no beauty in the destruction.
I'm going down. Not my first timel
I listen for my own sound. THey watched in 2008. Do they only hope for the finish? YSe.
Not why. I search no longer for that, but what can be done? I go to the FBI, but they are not doctors, they are not lawyers. d Will they put a lid on this infection. Will they help. d
Will I last years? MOre?
Will I just die by my own hands?
Why/
THere's no why. Who? There's no individuals. NO face. NO details. YOu can't learn. d
There's no beauty in the destruction.
I'm going down. Not my first timel
I listen for my own sound. THey watched in 2008. Do they only hope for the finish? YSe.
Not why. I search no longer for that, but what can be done? I go to the FBI, but they are not doctors, they are not lawyers. d Will they put a lid on this infection. Will they help. d
Will I last years? MOre?
Will I just die by my own hands?
THe Con, parrt II
He really wrote that, and then--
The next day, he had to deny it.
He was in the parking lot with the lights turned off, but the motor running. He was sitting upright in the seta.
He was tired because he worked all day and all night now. He was there.
YOu just missed him. d
When I said it was a him. THey said, "You're delusional." AGain. d.
He ws there. d
The next day, he had to deny it.
He was in the parking lot with the lights turned off, but the motor running. He was sitting upright in the seta.
He was tired because he worked all day and all night now. He was there.
YOu just missed him. d
When I said it was a him. THey said, "You're delusional." AGain. d.
He ws there. d
The Out
"I'm not going with... out her."
--Chris in Heat (1995)
Top 3 favorite movie. He's not my favorite character, Neil is. d, but he's good.
--Chris in Heat (1995)
Top 3 favorite movie. He's not my favorite character, Neil is. d, but he's good.
THe Con
Then marry me.
He's parked just outside on the street. Or in the parking lot outside. You can see him if you walked a little ways.
I shall.
I said it more as a dare. So, I don't know if it is important or not now.
He's parked just outside on the street. Or in the parking lot outside. You can see him if you walked a little ways.
I shall.
I said it more as a dare. So, I don't know if it is important or not now.
Trying Harder
The aliens are after personal motive.
"We're done. Bye-bye."
My "grandma" hangs up. d
"You took something very innocent..."
Would your own grandmother be so gaslighted that she would kill you if you fucked something up? No matter how big? Feed you to the wolves? If you listened to that conversation, that's what it sounded like.
I wish I had a recording.
You deserve it. It's your fault.
YOu. All you, baby. a.
And why?
YOu don't even know.
Because it's not true.
Either because a psychopath who has no rational sense is at play, or they have no personal motivation at all.
Or in a weird, twisted way, both.
"We're done. Bye-bye."
My "grandma" hangs up. d
"You took something very innocent..."
Would your own grandmother be so gaslighted that she would kill you if you fucked something up? No matter how big? Feed you to the wolves? If you listened to that conversation, that's what it sounded like.
I wish I had a recording.
You deserve it. It's your fault.
YOu. All you, baby. a.
And why?
YOu don't even know.
Because it's not true.
Either because a psychopath who has no rational sense is at play, or they have no personal motivation at all.
Or in a weird, twisted way, both.
They are getting what they wanted.
I don't even sense the defeat.
If you waste energy, you have to figure in re-fuel time.
I didn't. If you fight, you have to take breaks for recovery.
I didn't. If you lose battles, you have to move and strike elsewhere.
I didn't.
Here I am.
In defeat.
I'll never get what I want, what everyone thinks they know best for me, which is, I want you and you and you and you and, ey yeah, that's you, to fucking go away, and to stop thinking you know what's best for me--
We think for you.
We are the Third REich. We are Big Brother. Are.
Counterintelligence.
Tell you lies to break ill upon the truth like a disease to infest where there once was healthy flesh.
I can't even think straight anymore--I tell you--I tell you--I think those breaks in silence in my brain when I can't think at all--I think it's them--they stop me from thinking--they are in my brain--they broke my hands--my computer--my car--they stalked my down.
This magical force.
If it wants you, it will take you down.
Counterintelligence.
Would you know the truth if suddenly one day, someone did nothing but lie, and those people told everyone else to lie, and it's the
Third Reich? a
YOu would hide in your basement until it was over.
I don't even sense the defeat.
If you waste energy, you have to figure in re-fuel time.
I didn't. If you fight, you have to take breaks for recovery.
I didn't. If you lose battles, you have to move and strike elsewhere.
I didn't.
Here I am.
In defeat.
I'll never get what I want, what everyone thinks they know best for me, which is, I want you and you and you and you and, ey yeah, that's you, to fucking go away, and to stop thinking you know what's best for me--
We think for you.
We are the Third REich. We are Big Brother. Are.
Counterintelligence.
Tell you lies to break ill upon the truth like a disease to infest where there once was healthy flesh.
I can't even think straight anymore--I tell you--I tell you--I think those breaks in silence in my brain when I can't think at all--I think it's them--they stop me from thinking--they are in my brain--they broke my hands--my computer--my car--they stalked my down.
This magical force.
If it wants you, it will take you down.
Counterintelligence.
Would you know the truth if suddenly one day, someone did nothing but lie, and those people told everyone else to lie, and it's the
Third Reich? a
YOu would hide in your basement until it was over.
No Choice. Down Together
They give you no choice in the matter.
This must be it.
I don't know the choices, I don't know the matter, I don't know the why's, the how's, the who's.
Just the circle. Just some of the wolves involved.
These months were going to be the hardest. July. August. September.
None one wants to speak to me even though I need help. I can't go to a doctor. I'm on enough pills. I can't go to a therapist. What will we talk about/
What would you do if you had a week to live? d I ran out of that too. NOthing. I don't have anyone to be with. I don't have anywhere to go.
I'm fried. Every time someone types, "We care." I think they're lying. They want me motivated to walk into a trap. That's it. Because three sentences later, tehy're writing something nasty. "YOu die."
Will you make up your mind? NO.
The biggest, worst conclusion I reach a few days ago, drunk. Those are the biggest, the best.
I was your job. YOu found me becaues I was your fucking job. d
NO one feels sorry for me there, except for the people who don't know about anything like this.
I never did that to a client. Ever. IF he was too emotionally involved, I cut him loose. I didn't keep him around.
I was your job. d
Dude. YOur job.
You follow me around to motivate me. d INto going to hte fBI. Becaues they need me to either mule information or sabotage me or use more me.
I ws your job.
YOu couldn't tell? NO. I thought you liked me. A little. LIke a normal persona would. I don't even really hate you for it because you're a whore. And whoring is whoring.
And I'll for sex workers' rights. That's my deal. Why I'm partially in this mess. I wanted to go out and save prostitutes all over. I could save you. Today. yOu out there driving around, me chasing you, you following. Me. The Job. YOu the whore. WE. Together. d. Saving eaacho ther. d
Lace. YOu say. It wasn't about that.
Until you go down there. Then I leave. Forever. To go whore somewhere else .d
You will find someone else, morpheus says.
NOt like you.
Part of the business, Morpheus says.
YOu just weren't tough like us, the NOra's say.
It takes quite the whore to dial 911. Answer a qhore. Not watch an accident, but be there during. And stay emotionally distance.
I bury . d
YOu have to do boht. YOu can't. But you're not strong enough. The NOra's aren't.
Ths isn't business, it's personal. All of it. k
There are the ones who are dancing that I'm finally turning on him.
We all go down together. IN this fucking mess .
This must be it.
I don't know the choices, I don't know the matter, I don't know the why's, the how's, the who's.
Just the circle. Just some of the wolves involved.
These months were going to be the hardest. July. August. September.
None one wants to speak to me even though I need help. I can't go to a doctor. I'm on enough pills. I can't go to a therapist. What will we talk about/
What would you do if you had a week to live? d I ran out of that too. NOthing. I don't have anyone to be with. I don't have anywhere to go.
I'm fried. Every time someone types, "We care." I think they're lying. They want me motivated to walk into a trap. That's it. Because three sentences later, tehy're writing something nasty. "YOu die."
Will you make up your mind? NO.
The biggest, worst conclusion I reach a few days ago, drunk. Those are the biggest, the best.
I was your job. YOu found me becaues I was your fucking job. d
NO one feels sorry for me there, except for the people who don't know about anything like this.
I never did that to a client. Ever. IF he was too emotionally involved, I cut him loose. I didn't keep him around.
I was your job. d
Dude. YOur job.
You follow me around to motivate me. d INto going to hte fBI. Becaues they need me to either mule information or sabotage me or use more me.
I ws your job.
YOu couldn't tell? NO. I thought you liked me. A little. LIke a normal persona would. I don't even really hate you for it because you're a whore. And whoring is whoring.
And I'll for sex workers' rights. That's my deal. Why I'm partially in this mess. I wanted to go out and save prostitutes all over. I could save you. Today. yOu out there driving around, me chasing you, you following. Me. The Job. YOu the whore. WE. Together. d. Saving eaacho ther. d
Lace. YOu say. It wasn't about that.
Until you go down there. Then I leave. Forever. To go whore somewhere else .d
You will find someone else, morpheus says.
NOt like you.
Part of the business, Morpheus says.
YOu just weren't tough like us, the NOra's say.
It takes quite the whore to dial 911. Answer a qhore. Not watch an accident, but be there during. And stay emotionally distance.
I bury . d
YOu have to do boht. YOu can't. But you're not strong enough. The NOra's aren't.
Ths isn't business, it's personal. All of it. k
There are the ones who are dancing that I'm finally turning on him.
We all go down together. IN this fucking mess .
ONe of the Aliens Said Leave
"WE go over it again and again and again and again." MY "gtarandma" complains, sidestepping the entire reason why I called with accusations that my mother, her daughter, is calling her a thief.
Payback? From the aliens? Or ust hysteria? I can't tell .
She shoots off about how it's just me and my mother who mean her harm.
"IS someone mean to you?"
"NO!" She says. d
The world is round, which means it rotates. I can't help it. Everything is about me. Sheriffs. she's secretly saying, you called them out on me. IN a way, I am yelling about me--about Mom-because I won't about you becaues I'm on the phone with you. Later though. We get into it. lAter.
I'm alonly slightly sympathetic. d ONe, she did actually threaten to kill me. THat's no good. TWo, I'm there for her when it counts. Three, MOm didn't say anything meanm.
Her paranoid reminds me of me. So, I let it go.
I never say when I meant to say.
IF I die on Hwy 154, if I die.
YOu won't die, I hear her say.
I if I I could you know, by a real accident. I'm not that good of a driver.
o yOu've been praicticing chasing down that fake Jack.
He's cute though, did you see him? He's tall and he has light hair and he's pretty.
They're all pretty, Lace.
ANyway, IF I die. YOu should pretend to care. Pout. Number two, it could be a set up. OF sorts. YOu dont' know. Number three, I don't like any of this.
Grandma starts talking about he weather. It's so fucking annoying that I want to scream. All the aliens know.
The real fake Jack, he gets in to the Aston Martin. He drives away.
He won't drive down here, she says smartly. The sand will ruin the paint.
Jack, the real FAke Kack will find me in CAnada. d
He won't! YOu are talking nonsense! I will call your mother right now! And have you locked up!
'
YSE! But you can't forever you don't have the money!
Lacye, you are ill.
How's the dog feeling? Okay/
Payback? From the aliens? Or ust hysteria? I can't tell .
She shoots off about how it's just me and my mother who mean her harm.
"IS someone mean to you?"
"NO!" She says. d
The world is round, which means it rotates. I can't help it. Everything is about me. Sheriffs. she's secretly saying, you called them out on me. IN a way, I am yelling about me--about Mom-because I won't about you becaues I'm on the phone with you. Later though. We get into it. lAter.
I'm alonly slightly sympathetic. d ONe, she did actually threaten to kill me. THat's no good. TWo, I'm there for her when it counts. Three, MOm didn't say anything meanm.
Her paranoid reminds me of me. So, I let it go.
I never say when I meant to say.
IF I die on Hwy 154, if I die.
YOu won't die, I hear her say.
I if I I could you know, by a real accident. I'm not that good of a driver.
o yOu've been praicticing chasing down that fake Jack.
He's cute though, did you see him? He's tall and he has light hair and he's pretty.
They're all pretty, Lace.
ANyway, IF I die. YOu should pretend to care. Pout. Number two, it could be a set up. OF sorts. YOu dont' know. Number three, I don't like any of this.
Grandma starts talking about he weather. It's so fucking annoying that I want to scream. All the aliens know.
The real fake Jack, he gets in to the Aston Martin. He drives away.
He won't drive down here, she says smartly. The sand will ruin the paint.
Jack, the real FAke Kack will find me in CAnada. d
He won't! YOu are talking nonsense! I will call your mother right now! And have you locked up!
'
YSE! But you can't forever you don't have the money!
Lacye, you are ill.
How's the dog feeling? Okay/
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Same Bullshit
It's hard to imagine anything worth getting through this.
I never planned my own exit. I just burned the forest around me. Now, I stand in the middle. dd
I've seen horses give up. Lay down in the middle of working, and just quit. REfuse to me. MOve.
I quit, they say. YOu can't make me. They are exhausted, and deeply angry.
I see myself as this. What worse is there?
YOu hate me, you hate me, but you did this. We did this together. We share in this, but what else is there?
Always more.
Great sigh, and more. d.
I call and call and call and call and call his number, he doesn't answer. He ignores me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't even like me. I leave him a sweet message on his TXT. NO response. He was the job. I was the job. Someone was the job. Who was it? What was the set up? What was the heist?
"I'm going to the FBI." I'd call. d. IF it was me. Just to check. "Hey, you going to mention me?"
I go to the FBI knowing I didn't use any voice simulation. I left a bunch of harassing TXT-messages sent ot his number. That isn't good. They might care about that a little. Maybe htye won't. We don't know. Yet.
"I hate you for it. d."
If you want to have any friends left, don't get hit by a few (less or more) anon hackers. YOu will get your ass kicked.
EVeryone knows. That's the weird part. EVeryone knows what's going on. EVeryone just looks the other way. Politely .
I never planned my own exit. I just burned the forest around me. Now, I stand in the middle. dd
I've seen horses give up. Lay down in the middle of working, and just quit. REfuse to me. MOve.
I quit, they say. YOu can't make me. They are exhausted, and deeply angry.
I see myself as this. What worse is there?
YOu hate me, you hate me, but you did this. We did this together. We share in this, but what else is there?
Always more.
Great sigh, and more. d.
I call and call and call and call and call his number, he doesn't answer. He ignores me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't even like me. I leave him a sweet message on his TXT. NO response. He was the job. I was the job. Someone was the job. Who was it? What was the set up? What was the heist?
"I'm going to the FBI." I'd call. d. IF it was me. Just to check. "Hey, you going to mention me?"
I go to the FBI knowing I didn't use any voice simulation. I left a bunch of harassing TXT-messages sent ot his number. That isn't good. They might care about that a little. Maybe htye won't. We don't know. Yet.
"I hate you for it. d."
If you want to have any friends left, don't get hit by a few (less or more) anon hackers. YOu will get your ass kicked.
EVeryone knows. That's the weird part. EVeryone knows what's going on. EVeryone just looks the other way. Politely .
I still secretly think that the right hadn.
Is Howard.
Because I'm crazy like that.
"WEight ."
A friend of a friend of a fright.
Ssaid something, adn Howard got on the computer once night. And said, Fuck it. dd The girl is hysterical. She thinks I'll flight three thousand miles to save her dumb ass. okay. I'll talk to her for like 30 minutes.
HOward.
ONly th she never thinks it's me because she's all freaked out. Dee.
Keno.
Is Howard.
Because I'm crazy like that.
"WEight ."
A friend of a friend of a fright.
Ssaid something, adn Howard got on the computer once night. And said, Fuck it. dd The girl is hysterical. She thinks I'll flight three thousand miles to save her dumb ass. okay. I'll talk to her for like 30 minutes.
HOward.
ONly th she never thinks it's me because she's all freaked out. Dee.
Keno.
The oNly Privacy
"The only privacy that's left is the inside of your head. Maybe that's enough. You think we're the enemy of democracy, you and I? I think we're democracy's last hope."
--Enemy of the State (1998)
NO one would tell me why I was sent to D.C. when I was sixteen. But I loved it.
D.C. for me was home.
I find Howard. I go back to D.C. To me, Jack will always be in D.C>he is Howard in D.C. He is writing me right now. A letter. It is send, but bounces back. d
--Enemy of the State (1998)
NO one would tell me why I was sent to D.C. when I was sixteen. But I loved it.
D.C. for me was home.
I find Howard. I go back to D.C. To me, Jack will always be in D.C>he is Howard in D.C. He is writing me right now. A letter. It is send, but bounces back. d
There's a scene in Enemy of the State when Robert has to explain to his wife how the news article about him isn't true. There's a scene in the kitchen. d
I've been there. Luckily it iddn't end up in the press.
But my family didn't believe me.
"You're either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid." Brill.
Yeah, lately--
I've been there. Luckily it iddn't end up in the press.
But my family didn't believe me.
"You're either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid." Brill.
Yeah, lately--
YOu weren't doing anythning with your life.
You aren't doing anything with your life.
Work a job.
Do something.
What are you doing?
YOu were a whore.
YOu just hide in your cave.
WE hacked your grandmother's line to tell you that.
You should pay $500 in rent; because you're not doing anything. Fucking do smething. This isn't doing anything. d
Have the money . YOu know. Have the whoel $1,000 a month. I don't care. d. People say those things not with the intention of getting some meaning across but with the intention of hurting you (this part is semi-obvious), and I just don't care as much as I should. d. They would care more if I was dead. But I can't convince them that i"m in danger.
I'm actually in real danger.
NO one has told them that, no matter what the government is up to because the government doesn't tell anyone what the government is-duh--really doing. d.
The belittling comments are old. It's like well, I could call you a fucking bitch back, but it's just immature. d
And you're not you, but when I called you back, you'd be you, and then I'd fucking have to listen to it for the next ten years. Because the fucking aliens would,again, outsmart me. And blah, blah, blah, blah. ETc. WE're sick of our bullshit. d. I"m sick of them bcause they're predictable after month two.
I called the "Randy" line so I could scream and yell at him to get even, but he, not-so-surprisingly wasn;t there. d
Why? Well.
This is not my best, shining moment in life.
You aren't doing anything with your life.
Work a job.
Do something.
What are you doing?
YOu were a whore.
YOu just hide in your cave.
WE hacked your grandmother's line to tell you that.
You should pay $500 in rent; because you're not doing anything. Fucking do smething. This isn't doing anything. d
Have the money . YOu know. Have the whoel $1,000 a month. I don't care. d. People say those things not with the intention of getting some meaning across but with the intention of hurting you (this part is semi-obvious), and I just don't care as much as I should. d. They would care more if I was dead. But I can't convince them that i"m in danger.
I'm actually in real danger.
NO one has told them that, no matter what the government is up to because the government doesn't tell anyone what the government is-duh--really doing. d.
The belittling comments are old. It's like well, I could call you a fucking bitch back, but it's just immature. d
And you're not you, but when I called you back, you'd be you, and then I'd fucking have to listen to it for the next ten years. Because the fucking aliens would,again, outsmart me. And blah, blah, blah, blah. ETc. WE're sick of our bullshit. d. I"m sick of them bcause they're predictable after month two.
I called the "Randy" line so I could scream and yell at him to get even, but he, not-so-surprisingly wasn;t there. d
Why? Well.
This is not my best, shining moment in life.
There's No Side
There's no side.
There's some guy sitting at his desk, eating a donut, sayin to himself, "Hmmm..that's interesting," pressing a button, which on the other side of the hill, I hit, "dddd..>"
He wasn't there. He didn't do that shit.
IN a room, by himself, locked away with paperwork is the real guy who wsa, and he is thinking about something else, probably important to national security.
But he isnt' listening.
The guy at the desk with the donut, He will later tell the other guy in summation. "She said."
Yeah, I know. Heard it. Last week. AGian. She goes on with this bullhsit about Aguust 20, 2008. She whines and cries about.
The guy who ate the donuts, he likes her a little, she's sad. And later, he cries for her.
That's called dissociation. When we don't care becaus ewe're too far away.
There's some guy sitting at his desk, eating a donut, sayin to himself, "Hmmm..that's interesting," pressing a button, which on the other side of the hill, I hit, "dddd..>"
He wasn't there. He didn't do that shit.
IN a room, by himself, locked away with paperwork is the real guy who wsa, and he is thinking about something else, probably important to national security.
But he isnt' listening.
The guy at the desk with the donut, He will later tell the other guy in summation. "She said."
Yeah, I know. Heard it. Last week. AGian. She goes on with this bullhsit about Aguust 20, 2008. She whines and cries about.
The guy who ate the donuts, he likes her a little, she's sad. And later, he cries for her.
That's called dissociation. When we don't care becaus ewe're too far away.
I want to leave the country. NO one would miss me. My parents would notice my absence.
That would be it. NO job, no car, few possessions.
STart over.
This isn't about war, but about love, this isn't about hacking or trading stock secrets, but about love.
When there's no more love to fight over, the war is over.
That would be it. NO job, no car, few possessions.
STart over.
This isn't about war, but about love, this isn't about hacking or trading stock secrets, but about love.
When there's no more love to fight over, the war is over.
The REal Sest UP
The real set up,
could be they fully intend to kill me inm a car accident on the way there. I scoff at their threats, but it's possible.
"What would you do if you had a week to live?" NO one likes that question.
I would spent it with you. YOu [care.]
I want to get a Cadillac car or a Chevy truck. They could put me in a wheelchair or they could put me into death.
I think of ways to increase my chances of survival. Time of day. Vehicle. d. Roll over. Route. ETc. Should I stop my medications days before? More questions. a. Mostly, I'm out matched if someone wanted me to die on the road. I don't drive as well.
My mother wanted me to wear dress boots once, a few months back. Put me out for a few hours so company could come over to the ranch. My foot "slipped" while I was driving, and I almost rearended another car. Powers At Be? YSe. THey've learned to hack yes, Howard.
YOu can't stop death if death is coming.
could be they fully intend to kill me inm a car accident on the way there. I scoff at their threats, but it's possible.
"What would you do if you had a week to live?" NO one likes that question.
I would spent it with you. YOu [care.]
I want to get a Cadillac car or a Chevy truck. They could put me in a wheelchair or they could put me into death.
I think of ways to increase my chances of survival. Time of day. Vehicle. d. Roll over. Route. ETc. Should I stop my medications days before? More questions. a. Mostly, I'm out matched if someone wanted me to die on the road. I don't drive as well.
My mother wanted me to wear dress boots once, a few months back. Put me out for a few hours so company could come over to the ranch. My foot "slipped" while I was driving, and I almost rearended another car. Powers At Be? YSe. THey've learned to hack yes, Howard.
YOu can't stop death if death is coming.
"YOu thought it was real..."
N one lies d
No one lives in that house. It's empty all the time. d. MOrpheus uses it whenever he wants a random fuck.
THey tell me the whole night was some kind of staged show, like an act for a play. For me. Morpheus, wounded. Me. DRugged up and wounded,.
"I;m a mess."
"I love you!" Cries.
Ten days later, me, trying to die. [thumb]
Morpheus, smart, lying but lying less and less as time goes by like a little rat leaving cheese bits behind, for me. Follow. No office in the garage. d. Things like that. He cries, but no real tears. The sex, eh, he wasn't that into it. He ws just control to keep me from wandering too far. d.
I said I was in love with you, loved you in the beginning, but now, eh. NOw, you're hooked, you can't leave, I don't have to try so hard fory ou, for them.
That's the story coming from the hacked NO's and the right hand.
That would make Morpheus, sorry, an Antisocial because he lacks insight into his behavior and, of course, no remorse. No, "I'm sorry." I died when you died too. I cried when you cried too. I ws there, you just dideddn't see me. I was behind you at AJ Spurs, I missed you when you missed me. I couldn't come, that day, but I promised you w all those promises. d.
NO. They say.
I focus on August 20, 2008 bcause my story is not unique. OR special.
If I died, I'd rather die knowing someone was there but culdn't do a damn thing about it. But there. d
Better to be alone and bitter than be with cowards.
The law is not always right, which is why judges change it. d
"The d is wrong. Nora is wrong." ONe of them wrote. Tey re-write history every dya. They say different things.
We will put you down, every day. d. NOt because of you but because someone puts us down, and we can't take it anymore. IT happened when we were kids, teenagers, it happens now during work, it happens in our heads all the time . YOu will believe some of it because your mom said it to you, your grandmother said it.
You don't buy most of it because you hate us all. For being cowards.
YOu have to love someone to be hurt by their words. d
The law is wrong. IN this case. IF it protects the people who are doing this.
This is probably some stupid, tired debate of individual rights versus state. d But I don't care.
N one lies d
No one lives in that house. It's empty all the time. d. MOrpheus uses it whenever he wants a random fuck.
THey tell me the whole night was some kind of staged show, like an act for a play. For me. Morpheus, wounded. Me. DRugged up and wounded,.
"I;m a mess."
"I love you!" Cries.
Ten days later, me, trying to die. [thumb]
Morpheus, smart, lying but lying less and less as time goes by like a little rat leaving cheese bits behind, for me. Follow. No office in the garage. d. Things like that. He cries, but no real tears. The sex, eh, he wasn't that into it. He ws just control to keep me from wandering too far. d.
I said I was in love with you, loved you in the beginning, but now, eh. NOw, you're hooked, you can't leave, I don't have to try so hard fory ou, for them.
That's the story coming from the hacked NO's and the right hand.
That would make Morpheus, sorry, an Antisocial because he lacks insight into his behavior and, of course, no remorse. No, "I'm sorry." I died when you died too. I cried when you cried too. I ws there, you just dideddn't see me. I was behind you at AJ Spurs, I missed you when you missed me. I couldn't come, that day, but I promised you w all those promises. d.
NO. They say.
I focus on August 20, 2008 bcause my story is not unique. OR special.
If I died, I'd rather die knowing someone was there but culdn't do a damn thing about it. But there. d
Better to be alone and bitter than be with cowards.
The law is not always right, which is why judges change it. d
"The d is wrong. Nora is wrong." ONe of them wrote. Tey re-write history every dya. They say different things.
We will put you down, every day. d. NOt because of you but because someone puts us down, and we can't take it anymore. IT happened when we were kids, teenagers, it happens now during work, it happens in our heads all the time . YOu will believe some of it because your mom said it to you, your grandmother said it.
You don't buy most of it because you hate us all. For being cowards.
YOu have to love someone to be hurt by their words. d
The law is wrong. IN this case. IF it protects the people who are doing this.
This is probably some stupid, tired debate of individual rights versus state. d But I don't care.
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