Making decisions for myself means relying on bad data, trusting the wrong people in the past means not trusting anyone at all for the time being. Foolish mistakes means paying the price today.

The happiest I feel is driving with the radio blasting.

The world ending is having Mark, the Enterprise guy, walk down the sidewalk behind me, calling my name because my bank account wouldn't cover the overdraft for $38 when I had just left the building thinking the transaction went through. Back in the old days, prior to hacking. It would. Small changes mean big things. One, walking, no car. TWo, the card not working. Blocking it meant saving me double. Right? No overdraft fee, but I had the embarrassment. It even does this at the pump. STops. MId-fill up. d. lIke my own personal fucking accountant. d.

I loved the 2011 300 Touring. Loved it. Great car. There was no Jack. There was no d Jack #3 or Jack #5. For me. There was no guy out blowing off some aggression on the road. That is me at my happiest. d. But even out there, I was alone. NO Jack. The one guy in the BMW with license RC 57 (?) just blew a kiss?? at me or like a poof? for blow up? Or fucking goodbye? Who knows! He was not in the mood for car chasing.

After reading some of Witness to an Extreme Century I wonder how I will come out of this. HOw will I handle this new bundle of trauma. Will I make positive out of a negative experience? Will I still make good relationships? Will I find a way to cope and rejoin the norm? Or will I always be, forever and now, outsider made purposefully by the certain members inside the US government? a.

What will happen to me since I have declared "war" on abuse of power inside the government? After that shuffles through, who do I have left?

Bursts of anger, as seen today, is common with PTSD. You can only push around someone for so long before he/she is angry.

What will become of me?