I soon realized I had no idea what kind of rabbit hole I had fallen into.
...But it was also about more: my world progressively shrinking to a small, sterile, asteroidal universe between the interminable nausea and the chemobrain that left my head both empty and feverish, between survival and death....During one particularly desperate hospitalization, after receiving blood transfusions and a drug to stimulate my white cells, I decided that I had had enough. I refused further radiation and chemotherapy....
My dreams of dying were not the products of anxious moments of terror. The life force had simply slipped away and made me ready to die.
--When Doctors Become Patients
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