The Past - Delusions and Hallucinations

Being back in the hospital reminds me of all the horrible delusions that were running through my head when I first went into Stanford on August of 2011. One of the worst was "Nora," the anon for the Wife, who was a psychic and a pusher.

Being one of the main voices in my head at the time, loud and clear, I tend to believe most of what she said.

I had no idea what was going on with my psyche, I had never experienced auditory hallucinations before--

She said that her husband had relationships with other women, and then she would kill them after he was done screwing them--by pushing them to suicide.

You know who you are when you are under the threat of death as I thought I was. I could never convince myself that I didn't love MOrpheus even though his wife was a serial killer, and he was an accomplice.

These memories of the delusions and hallucinations are not comforting. Nora would describe in detail how she was going to kill me if she couldn't get me to hang in the shower. "You will hang in that shower, they always do in the end," she would say over and over again. I promised myself one thing. Even if Nora never left, I would never give her the satisfaction of doing it by hanging.

She said she would kill me within four weeks at STanford. That I'd never last. Meanwhile, while I was drowning in voices and chaos, the doctors were starting me with Zyprexa, which perhaps saved my life.

I never hear from Nora anymore. I wonder about the power of auditory hallucinations--who's really in control of the psyche. Nora would say that she could break me down, and that I would snap--done--do her bidding. IN reality, I am all the voices, they are a part of me. A part of me, the largest wanted to live--

Through this time, I dreamed about the bottle of morphine I could grab once I was out of the hospital. I could not live with Nora, although at times I was learning to block her out.

There is a dark and scary place we can all go if we're not careful, where voices like Nora reign.

I went to STanford that August to die. I figured if she had done it before (which according to Nora she had), I had little chance of escaping a voice in my head with mental powers. I had never done much meditation or learning to control my pre-cog's.

We know that voices drive people to suicide. It's very dangerous time in a patient's life.

No special powers were needed. I don't even remember when I started the Zyprexa or even taking it.