More On Therapy: The Family

Sitting on the therapy couch it's hard to argue the value of having a lover you only see once every few months. The longest I went? Nine. This is during the birth of his third.

I have a picture of him holding his youngest. He looks more scared than anything.

I see a therapist sitting on the chair, asking me without even words what am I doing in a family mess this size.

It didn't start out like that. He was sitting on a hotel (Quality Suites, to be exact) bed, and said to me, "It's not like I have a coach." It was a plead that I took seriously and with all my heart. It kept me from walking out of the door and never coming back (as I was ready to do after the first time we had sex). Asking me for help handling the responsibilities of mixing our relationship and his family (and keeping them separate). How do you juggle the juggle?

Scratch that. It did start out like that. A huge family problem I could never solve. But I was too naive, and too in love to care--this is selfishness in plain view on my part. You think you fall in love and it's just you.

This is again where therapists lose interest in arguing. It was so obvious, wasn't it? He's married. He comes with other people connected to him, who can be hurt by his actions with me. MOst therapists give a "He's the one married, not you" line to lessen my guilt, but I never forget the shake of the head. I seem so wise. Years ago, growing up, I was more mature for my age. Why fall into this trap when it can clearly be avoided?

Why not pick someone single, without kids, why not the guy next door? The guy holding the beer at the bar? For god's sake, there must be another guy.

Another guy never really stepped up. One of my boyfriends was so insecure about it, he always had a girl waiting for him, it's hard to tell who did the worse damage to whom.

ARguing that kids are baggage is like saying that my mother is baggage or any other family member. It's cruel for one thing. They're not dogs you can take to the pound when you don't want them anymore. I've had therapists argue about that. I find it appalling and bad taste. So, he has three kids. They're not mine, and I don't make decisions concerning them.