Grief and MOurning

"I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it"

--"Lesson Learned" by Alicia Keys

The madness was driven by finding the true identity to "Jack" who I loosely and incorrectly concluded had not given me his real name previously. Hence, "Where's Jack?"

When I kept typing "Jack" using the touch-keyboard of my cellphone, sometimes the C would be capitalized, which is how I ended up at Morpheus's home in the middle of the day. "JaCk" must be Morpheus. I would stop at nothing to find my hacker, even if it meant an uncomfortable run-in. IF he was the hacker, he would know I was coming from the GPS in my phone, and therefore, the wife and kids would gone.

This all makes sense in the clouded world of a psychotic.

I've been through a lot. A pregnancy. IN which I had no part of. He told me in a text-message. I was devastated. I quickly gained my baby fifteen pounds. He got a vasectomy. MOnths of silence. I just dealt with it.

"Maybe you should think that there's something wrong when Lacey who usually doesn't act like this is calling you ten times in a row..." I left him in a message.

I cracked. My world of obedience and silence broke away into grandiose craziness. I sent ten's, maybe even more than that, of TXT-messages to a disconnected number. Finally, I sent twenty-some TEXT-messages to his working number, breaking down every single thing that he's ever done to me that hurt me.

I remember a story I read when I was doing research on marriage vs. singledom. A woman started the divorce proceedings, but quickly went into extreme grief--losing massive amounts of weight because she simply wasn't hungry. Her body went into shock.

Something deep down inside went into shock after that Facebook Message. It was a genuine grief. It manifested as psychosis.

Some of my appetite has returned although when the first hospitalization, I had practically none. Food was being brought into my room, which is typically against the rules.

People going into that kind of grief and mourning makes more sense when they have physically been together for longer. I have no other explanation.