What did I really need those early days of onset? d Help!? Family members and friends said.

A 5150 to practically force me to take an antipsychotic or two?

I was too clever and too delusional for that.

Now, I'm throwing myself to the wills of more doctors at Stanford, hoping that they can clear up the last of the voices, just one, who threatens daily to kill me. 4.

"You know how this game is played. Eventually you are going to lose your life to suicide." d He says. d

I hate the gaping wound that has been left in regards to MOrpheus and me.

I miss all things MOrpheus, including his faux-voice in my brain.

nO.

I already packed my bag for STanford. a.

Since the voices have not slowed down since I started the new medications (the "bad" voice I should say), I'm going back into the hospital.

ON Tuesday.

NO. ad I don't want to die, but i want better for myself . no9. a.

For the first time in a long time, I got rejected by someone, the Training Manager. a. 9. 4. For whatever reason. d. 9o.

There's only one voice left, we know him as "The General." a. 9. He comes on only occasionally. ad.

He is the one who is threatening me. no9.

Sometimes I'm only amazed by how bad it's become. No job, no internship, hearing voices as a psychotic symptom, etc.

This morning I mourn my life.

It swallows me into depression.

Maybe I was only feeling guilty about finally feeling guilty about my last job, or about sending the Facebook Message or god knows what else that I needed to feel guilty about but heavily relied on my ego to shield me from. I chose a different path in life.

I can't make the memories go away of some homeless guy at STarbucks taking either pictures of me or video while I wait to meet the General (the guy later to be given such a nickname). d. Or the fact that when I met him, he had a bad lie. Yellow Page Ad's? He was sitting in the wrong county for his work, and he gave no explanation as to why he was there. These things by themselves mean absolutely nothing, but to the inflated, psychotic mind, they mean fantasy after fantasy.

I suggest to my therapist that I meet him finally to settle the delusion once and for all. She actually suggested against it.

I could disrobe the mighty king of his powers, get him literally out of my head if I saw he was just a guy.

She asked not to because I might have sensed something wrong with him to begin with hence why he is the sinister, arch-enemy now. The voices could only be over-inflated good instinct.

I think he was just a guy plotted down the wrong place at the wrong time--just a guy at STarbucks. a. 999. A little shy but nothing more.

I got frustrated over the family/social worker meeting held with Case Manager.

No one believes me when I say I haven't heard voices before August 10, 2011.

The Case Manager interviewed my father trying to see if I might have been lying about that. Nope. 9. x. d.

"It's just a game," I said to the guy I picked up at the bar.

"You're a delusional girl," he called me at one point.

"To tell who works for the government, you see..." I said.4. "It's not real." I continued. I was staring at the street, he was looking at me. 9. "What about that guy?" I read about the make and the model of the vehicle. My companion is not playing. He is too fixated on me, and getting me to make out with him.

We had discussed "Jack."

"I bet you almost wish I was Jack," he said at one point.

The voices exhaust me. Are they going to appear? ARe they there? ARe they just hiding? WAiting for the right moment to attack? a. x. 4.

I have to tip-toe around in my own mind to avoid their punishment.

I went to see Lucky at his friend's place. He was surprisingly understanding about my "bipolar illness" (I didn't bother to correct him), and my recent hospitalization. Things have changed between us, but it has taken years. He seems more mature. I want less. It is the perfect coupling.

I know what it's like to be a prisoner of your own mind, to be terrorized by the outside world, and to seek safety anywhere.

One of my more readily pulled to memory regrets was how I handled going to the FBI. d I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea if I was going to even see someone. I assumed incorrectly they would just take the computer and look at it. No. They didn't.

I wasted that money for nothing to be told it was all a mental illness issue. And now I have to fight that on my own with more money. a.

One thing that keeps bothering me is the fact that I blacked out when Morpheus left last time we saw each other. I'm missing some time. The voices make good use of that too in my brain when they taunt me.

I don't know if it was the stress combo with the two shots of Grey Goose or what. x.

What happened to the fearless girl I once was? Swallowed up by the paranoia and the psychosis? d

Ran out of breath by her stupid theories and her senseless attacks. 4. It should have been saved for better uses. A better time when we are all called to be brave. o. And mighty in the face of real trouble. REal adversity.

Will I love him too much forever? I ask no one. Is it a burden to carry forever? a. Do I not know what time is like? Haven't I carry on enough?



WHY should I blame her that she filled my days
With misery,

"nO Second Troy"

by Yeats, W.B.

I wonder if it will ever that fearlessness back that I had--the girl who would board a plane to go to Cornell and face those odds--or if I will always be the girl who didn't go and now hates to leave the house because of the voices. a. Is that girl gone forever?

I hope not.

I don't even enjoy music while driving. I drive with it turned off now. d. That's how numbed I am to the world around me for gladness. a. 4.