The General Drinking Mode

I've been drinking, feeling sorry for myself, the general pity mode.

I have to figure out how to come up with $1,500 dollars to fix my car (in addition to the money I've saved, and the money my parents are pitching in). This is close to the amount the car is worth. It's either this or buy a used Honda Civic or Accord.

Most of the time, I'd just spread my legs to get it, but it's a little difficult when you have no wheels and you live at home with your parents.

The original estimate for the car was around $1,800, but once the mechanics opened it up, they saw there was more damage. The service advisor called me after they inspected the Mercedes and said they need $3,200. My parents wouldn't make up the difference even though I know that they have the money. So much for my birthday present. 

 I have made two phone calls to the LSU Professor, the only person I know who knows cars, and would possibly loan me the money. I haven't heard back. Money comes between friends, but I'm especially desperate.

I've been highly irritable.
 Sometimes I want to die.


I don't know what keeps me going, to be honest. Why I wake up everyday, and get out of bed. Habit, it seems. I take no joy out of life.

I realized a few days ago that there is no one here for me, if I was in the ER, if I was hospitalized, no one would come and be by my side. I have friends, sure, but many of them are far away.

Some of my depression is the knowing that the LSU Professor would not be there for me if I was in mortal danger again.

But most of my depression is about Morpheus.