Yesterday, I had an emergency appointment with both my psychiatrist and my therapist.

"And why aren't you dead?" The psychiatrist said in reference to my suicide attempt back in August of 2008.

"I dialed 911," I replied.

"You know, suicidality is always dealing with ambivalence," he said. "I've lost patients before, sure..."

We spoke mostly of Morpheus.

"You would probably be less suicidal if you wouldn't in love with him...you want to hear his voice..."

"What?"

"There's a part of you that wants to hear his voice, right? He says he's coming back, etc."

I shake my head.

"You love him."