I'm getting out. I don't know how, but I'm getting out.

They're all bad, all of them, bad.

We never question ourselves, we just do.

That's them.

That should be their motto. ON their fucking asses.

The Big Set Up

"I think it bothers her that she has to wait on you at 27 years old like you're three..."

--"Grandma."

She also said something baout how I'm not working, about how I'm not taking responsibility--

Does anyone ust every tel lyou to fuck off?

NO Yse YOu do lie a lot always lie

The real issue wasn't the missing the meals or the isolation or the lack of interest in moving out of my room or house which are all standard depression symptoms. There are the typical PTSD symptoms, which came months ago.

IT was the meth bugs, like a localized very real sensation of a bug being on you. d

I woke up in the middle of the night with a bug on my neck, only the bug wasnt' real. Anything like that is normal. but it happened agian.

Tingling sensations of varying degrees are neurological symptoms and are benign, depending.

Along with everything else, I decided not to take nay chances. I am losing sleep. I"m fried out. I need real medical help although with real police help.

If you can move someone's fingers, make it go numb even, you can cause or induce all sorts of neurological symptoms including pain. d. Tingling sensations are just the beginning. Think of the horrors. Neurologists at nany hospitals would be searching for months, years, and never figure it out. I know.

It disguiip

Dont' be angry.

N OYSE YOU and your fucking hjackeed

YOu did it
nO d

I"m surprised I'm not in a lot of pain

N o;

YOu would do it
nO dwsw

I at

I miss meals sometimes, not because I'm lacking an appetite but because I'm too tired to fix a meal, I stay in bed, I never go outside, I move from the chair to bedroom. I fight the hacked No/NO/nO system, arguing sometimes with probably only a program.

I don't like driving because I don't want to wreck my mother's truck, which is not fully insured. d

I don't like my friend's or my family's responses which belittles the situation. " I don't think the FBI is gong to fix your problem."

As I wrote in my journal, I learned that some magical force could step into your life, take it over, fuck you over, and then all of your friends and family would sit back and watch and mutely not care while you suffer as you are terrorized by it. Magical force meaning, a force you cannot quite name or place.

People react either with indifference (this honestly is my favorite), anger or they are condescending.

"YOu need help." Psychiatric.

YOu never been inside a fucking hospital. EVer. I need help? YOu don't even know what help looks like.

Ew [Few] people just change the subject to talkin about killing squirrel.s "NO, you can't just zap them with electricity."

"Yse you can! A little fence. For the squirrels."

" NO."

"They would learn. NOt to come into the school." LIke rats.

INstead, my world is smarter. d Smallter.

Sam

Sma?
nO

[Smaller]

I sit in my room, and stare outside. And talk to Hannibal. "Hannibal, what do you think, Surburan, maroon. Government?" He looks out there with me. He watches. "Yes! We think so ," WE see a dump truck. "DHS?" Yes . WE think so. d. Whenever I see them on the road, and we are stopped at the same light. IF they glance my way, I smile and wave. They are good. Good guys.

The Sound of Him

When this is all over with, I will never listen to Randy's voice every again. I hate the sound of it. I have nothing against the man, I'm not sure what happened to him, when ws the last time I talked to him, but I hate the sound of his voice.

Hours of conversation, hours of bad screaming and yelling have turned me into hating its noise.

I remember the real person when I listen to his voicemail message. There was that person once. d

"I would do anything for you."

I said once to MOrpheus.

But no one said anything about this.

One of the many things I wish to learn, any motion in the hands outside of the realm in front of the computer, can that be hacked?

I cannot determine this. a

Legs. I have greatly been suspicious that legs can be manipulated.

One day I got into a fight with a local professor over MOrpheus, and I walked out of his office, down a small slope. Fell bcause one of my legs gave out. I was later in so much pain, I went back on morphine and Soma. I missed a very important quizz in another repeated Calculus class because I was too drugged pu.

Plot to overthrown my success in life? Sometimes I think yes.

Ask any good neurologist or neurosurgeon. There's nothing wrong with me. Except i've been in extreme pain.

I was a really fast runner in high school. I w dont' run anymore. AT all. d.

I use to ride horses. I don't anymore. Because it bothers my back.

There's always a way out. Of everything. Dexter would tell you.

Even something like this.

The System: YES

My scariest idea is the artificially enhanced telepathy because the computer is too fast (with the "d" and the NO/No/nO system), that my internal thoughts are not completely my own, but "interjected" by someone else.

These are not outside thoughts as typically experienced during psychosis.

REgardless, the idea is difficult to test. With the computer since the aliens lie. a.

Someday, the idea will be a reality. This day might not be here.

I took the Zyprexa to be safe. I have decided that psychosis is a slippery slope.

To later become psychotic, when you weren't always is hard to argue when presenting evidence. I knew. WHich is why I wrote pages. IN case of death also.

I am now free to be crazy.

I also believe in the possibility that these thoughts are nothing more than a product of months of isolation and thinking what others might say mixed with freaking out about having my "hands taken away." And then having the hacker confirm a lie.

They would drive me purposefully mad if they had the power.

YES.

I took 5mg of Zyprexa and feel better.

AFter FBI, hospital, probably UCLA or Cedars.

Trauma.

Does that to someone.

A complicated kind of random.

Howard, you have to figure out a way to come here.

You need something else besides your disconnected family members and your nonexistent friends who don't believe anything is going on.

YOu need something else.

"WE AE DONT!" He sid.

[we are done.]

Over the phone.

We are done. Is one of his favorites now. Done. Finished. d

Done.

Fight for your rights, civil, Constitutional, you don't even know all of them, you were use to them, you miss them, where did they go? YOu had them. NOw. Gone. Oops.

But you need something else.

YOu really loved that man too much.

WE ARE DONE.

I dumped you. I think. Didn't I?

YOu can't face an enemy you can't see. YOu can't stare down someone you can't look at. You can't be brave to someone who won't stand up to you.

That's cyberwarfare. It's shitty. People who do it. ARe shitty.

Make no mistake, however it goes down, there was a personal element to this, and it wasn't pretty or nice.

The threats are easy to make. A few letters on the keyboard, random. "Kill" ETc.

There is an element of this fro mthe get-go that never made any sense. Because it was too scattered. Looking like everything. [thumb]

My family however is convinced of something, and my grandmother is simply pissed off. Most of my friends thnks I'm nuts. ONly one is sympathetic. d

It isn't the harm done. Come and get me. It's my family's and my friend's reactions. MY grandmother's. YOu either think you know best . Or you dont' know at all.

I know. Because I read a lot about it. Suicide more than homocide. I know the stats. d. YOU die. NO one gives a shit. OR people are so in denial they are fucking in the clouds.

If my kids were being stalked, harassed, etc. Id' be a little concenred. EVen if the government told me to let it happen. k.

You need something more .

I dont' have it. d

I do it only because it's the right thing to do. ON the off chance that these people will be brought to justice. The personal consequences of what happened will never be repaid. It was just life.

This isn't about war.

This is stil labout love.

But the left hand doesn't talk as much.

and the right hand took over, and

What that means is. d

WE're losing.

And if you want lose

LOve in life.

YOu have to fight for it.

LIfe is about chaos and then humane intervention.

You see an oncoming accident, you help. OR you act during or after the wreck.

You whole life, wasted in wrecks.

This wreck. Not yoursl . His. Then yours. And yet another.

You lost your plans. You had them.

Sihg. Another wreck.

Your folly.

I should be spending my upcoming check on doctors. I'm not going to, I'm going to spend it on a rented car and gas to LA fBI. Honestly, probably the doctors is better money. My wreck. kd.

Instead, I have someone else's wreck.

When I died, love, when I died
there was a war...

--Allen Ginsberg


I'm the man who sets the house on fire, not the man who walks you through the house, nto the man who gets you out of the house, I'm the man who sets the house on fire.

ONe is the burning bush.

One though is Daniel.

He comes next .

CAn you ever gave the man who sets the house ablaze? a

How many dishes did you break? How many times did you throw the phone? How many tiems do you plan on hating yourself?
'

If you are at war with the world, you have eto learn to pick your battles better. Because it's just you. Army of One. i.

Silent Warfare

Silent Warfare

Because no one else sees it.

I just stay locked in my room all goddamn day.

I am right handed on the computer. Even though I'm left handed.

That's because of a hacker. IF you want to call him/her that.

YOu blacked you.

I waas there.

I love you.

[I don't remember.]



[Sometimes, iwsh]

MOre on the NSA

I'm a liberal.

We have those.


Couch.

Big Brother

YOu're the NSA.

We're not the NSA.

YOu're the NSA.

WE don't talk about Fight Club.

YOu're the NSA.

NO.

YOu're still going to have me strapped to a bed somewhere.

nO.

Don't Give a Lunatic A CAuse

"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."

--Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto

AFter the attack on Pearl Harbor