I weight the equation of getting drunk versus the negatives of mixing it with the medications and the hang over and the social consequences. I still want to drink, but I don't. I was told by the voices that this is not "torment."
IT all feels like torment today. Being awake is torment. Living is torment.
ON the Beck inventory, I'm a 38 for depression. That's high, but there's room to grow. Alcohol makes depression worse, psychosis worse.
I have a distinct craving for alcohol. It could grow into alcoholism someday.
Someday seems far away.
I was more afraid of morphine. Deathly afraid of turning into a junkie. I never abused it while I was prescribed it.
The therapist I just fired she said to me clearly, you don't want alcohol, you want to be put out of your pain.
I was drunk in her office once when she said that to me.
I feel the same today.
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