When ou Die

When you die, you just die, the hackers warned me.

For a while, I wasn't sure.

I was in the ER at Ridgecrest, CA, and my blood pressure was 100/50 (which is low). I was semi-convinced I had been poisoned. Not an uncommon delusional fear, one of which I've had since I was a child. My grandmother was sitting with me in the chair. I was ready to die.

Fear gone. REady.

You get like that after a while. Living with the fear of death.

I was discharged after a quick explanation about "dizziness," here, take these pills. The mystery was never solved.

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I couldn't die. Not me. I would die, pass through death, without the fear. I had been there. In the ICU. YOU haven't. You don't knolw.

Would you die for love? Is love worth dying for? Would you die for your country? Fuck your country. Die for your freedoms that make living in your country worthwhile. Would you die for your family?

IF I died. IF I had. What was I dying for?

I wasn't dying for my country . I wasn't dying for my fmaily. Fuck my family. d. I was dying for you. I waas sure therewas an evil plot to keep us separated, to harm us both . You . Me. My lvoe. d

Do ou love Me? I ask . Over and over agian. Yo unever givfe me an answer. d

I was staying at one of those crappy hotels, really bad, in Santa Maria, CA, and I received two random phone calls in my room. And I was convinced along with the "physical following" that had been going on, I waas going to die. That's it. Walk outside my door the following day. Dead. I wrote Jack an email while on the bed, scared, abourt how I never really loved anyone in my whole life.

It was probably a Monday. OR a Tuesday. I got up. I did the same thing I did all of those mornings. I went to STarbucks. d. I could have done something different. Went to the police. Got in my car. Ran away. No. I was ready to die.

I watched. People. Cars. Windows. Buildings. People again. I learned to see things better, but I became more neurotic. I absorbed too much. Too fast. I checked parking lots after I parked, but didn't know for what. What was I looking for? Numbres, symbols, repetition, what am I doing? I drank until I ran out of money, and then drank some of my stepfather's but didn't drink as much as you would think. Is the world just a giant waxing code? For while, I thought it was trying to talk to me, if I listened, I could get it. And that I was going to die.

I still checked parking lots. But now i don't think I'm going to die. Because now I know if I am, if someone wants to kill me, there's nothing I can do to stop it. NO one wants to help me. NO one cares. If you were afraid, you shoudl have someone. You should have 911. I don't.

The word is randomness. The world is chaos. These hackers. Are bullshit. I've been through many hell's. This isn't even #1. It makes, however, top 3. Number one would be the year 2008. Number two would be my sophomore year in college. This is still number three.

When i drive, I check rearview mirrors. When I buy something, I check receipts. When the name tag is upside down, I secretly think, that means something. That guy talking to you at the cafe? Yeah. He's delaying you while they fucking go throug hy your car. I don't know whythough. I missed a final for a reason. Dont' believe me. That guy there? NO. He doesn't work for the government. He can't parallel park. Seriously.

People don't care as much as they say they do, which is why when you find someone who does care about you by doing. Doing. YOu should keep this person. Forever. d