The REal Consequences

I ask a lot of stupid questions for a girl smart enough to know that there is no certainty in the response back. But I can't help myself. It started months ago, the monkey at the typewriter, and now there's just the winding down before stopping.

Part of genuine psychosis is creating your own world, and I've already done it. Five hackers? NO. Two? NO. Fourteen? NO. Maybe only one. With a ghost program. And some others monitoring. How would I know? I can't. You [really?]. Sorry. TAlk. Part of genuine psychosis is the inability to see through the make believe into the world that still surrounds you. Engulfs you. I can't tell anymore which is worse.

NO more. [thank you] No money. NO care. [car]. No job. No school. Some sadism lingering around. It's brought up by my own suggestion. Do you want to kill me? Sure. If you want me to. I will. Okay. When? Tomorrow? Even better. Where? Your place or mine? NO. You're saying to yourself, wow. Life is bad.

When I was in grammar school, I was teased a lot. About everything you can think of. Too thin. Too fat. Too stupid. ESpecially about spelling. I was the outsider. I'm heavy duty when it comes to psychological torture.

You learn to live on less and less and less. NO phone calls. No emails. No friends. They could just be switched. They won't understanding the extent of the siege. d. The take over. Half of the take over is the anticipation of the worsening of the take over. YOu're after the next move. YOu're ahead of the curve ball. If you can't hack, you can still out think the psychology of the hacking. That's the game.

One person. Maybe. Two. NO. Three. Ridiculous. Then soon, it's the whole US government. They're after you. YOu don't know why. YOu don't care.

All good and bad things in a life come to an end.

Including this.

I have nothing more to lose. nO friends. NO family. I could live in my bedroom for a year or more. If not longer. People adjust to a new set of circumstances. If you want worst case scenario.

I'm not even caught up in the "that was pointless or worthless" or "what a waste of energy" etc because I was originally looking for Jack.

i'm not caught up in the, "I shouldn't have sent the FAcebook message" because I feel guilty.

I'm not caught up in the "These are bad people who did bad things" because they probably feel like their actions are justified. What I feel was wrong was the violation of the rights, previously discussed.

The real consequences of what has happened are massive, but they are not recognized. by anyone. Outside of myself. Not even by a doctor, who writes them off as being part of a "delusional disorder," things that can happen BUT NOT TO YOU. People are stalked. But not you. People are hacked. But not you. People are harassed and threatened, but not you. Why? We don't know why we gave you that crappy diagnosis considering it took me 15 minutes to make. But fuck it. Here you go.

When you're alone left to make sense of a series of traumatic events in which other people claim did not happen, you're going to be very confused and frightened and then later very angry. This is basic PTSD. I've watched people handle the same event very differently to the point it disgusted me. During and after. People in denial. People able to just lock it up, and brush it off. It made me wonder if she/he was not more ill than the person who spent months and months on pills trying to cope.

With no way into town on a frequent basis, I am losing more and more touch with reality. Who is out there? WHo is trying to find whom? Do you see me? Do I see you? With telecommunications and the internet down, I feel more lost than ever. NO way out, as the movie title says.