Note
Parts of this blog have been fictionalized. 9. As it was created through the halls of the mind in the grasp of psychosis.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
I usually write more than this, but the drugs and the disease is taking a toll on my page number.
While I was psychotic, I was writing 40-80 pages per day. Most of it was nonsense, but it was writing.
One of the saddest things I face is my lack of creativity every day. My writing is extremely important to me, and I haven't been feeling like the writing is up to standard.
--The D.S.M.'s Troubled Revision
For those of us who take our diagnosis as part of our image, changes in the D.S.M. are taken to heart.
I have not put much weight into STanford's evaluation of me and the change from bipolar I to schizoaffective.
My current psychiatrist thinks I'm still bipolar I, and I hope that's true.
Where's the Immaterial ARgument?
--ARE WE REady For a 'Morality Pill'?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The Right to Love
--GAy Won't Go Away, Genetic Or...
--Anxiety: An Appointment
--In the GPS case, Issues of Privacy
the bookstore's last stand
--Barnes & Noble, Taking On Amazon
--It's Not Me, It's YOu
For those of you who remember the old book, my love language is quality time.
A New KInd of War On DRugs
"Second, the large-scale medication of children feeds into a societal view that all of life’s problems can be solved with a pill and gives millions of children the impression that there is something inherently defective in them.
Finally, the illusion that children’s behavior problems can be cured with drugs prevents us as a society from seeking the more complex solutions that will be necessary. Drugs get everyone — politicians, scientists, teachers and parents — off the hook. Everyone except the children, that is."
--Children's A.D.D. Drugs Don't Work Long Term
A new kind of war on drugs.
--Children's A.D.D. DRugs Don't Work Long Term
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wurtzel was the first I ever heard to say how more so are you aware of those limitations when you are depressed.
I didn't think I have been doing any good even when we meet. You barely would talk to me. No judgement [sic] here, just an observation. It seemed like I could not break through some barrier you had up. [email from friend]
Thursday, January 26, 2012
By the WAy
I'm sorry that you can't seem to be there for me. You don't even know what psychosis is ,what it does to a person.
I have left a couple of messages for you, which you have not responded to. I know you have things going on, but I need a good friend right now, and I know you can't be there.
WE shouldn't talk until I am healthy.
--another email to a friend
"Among the crucial questions that the researchers were not able to answer is whether the heavy use of media was the cause for the relative unhappiness or whether girls who are less happy to begin with are drawn to heavy use of media, in effect retreating to a virtual world.
But the researchers hypothesize that heavy use of media is a contributing factor to the social challenges of girls.
The reason, say the researchers, is that on a basic, even primitive level, girls need to experience the full pantheon of communication that comes from face-to-face contact, such as learning to read body language, and subtle facial and verbal cues."
--Does Technology Affect Happiness
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
More About Emily
I was shocked. She hadn't mentioned Emily's name in years.
"He remembers what day she died?" I asked.
"I don't know, but he remembered what clothes he was wearing..." My mother responded.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I love you long time. x. o.
I love you far away.
My best friend in high school lived in Michigan. WE communicated mostly through emails, occasionally through IM, and sometimes through phone calls. WE saw each other twice during two week long trip to each coast.
WE broke up when her crush asked me out when I flew out to visit her one cold spring.
After that, I pretty much vowed against females.
But it seems I have a habit of making my intimate relationships far away.
I have no one to pick me up on the side of the road at four am.
There's no phone call from jail, as Hades use to say about [N----].
There's no girl or guy to get me out of any jam I might find myself into, the hand to grab when I'm backed into a corner--that kind of best friend.
"That Year Was Humiliating..."
--And This is Why We Don't Talk
EAting Bender
--Feeling Angry And Went On a Three Day Eating Bender
Suicide Letter Found
I decided to die. I don't want any more help, I don't want to take one more single breath. Why I write here? I have no family and no friends, no one to tell my last words. I had a relation that lasted for more than 12 years and colapsed last September. I can't live with my childhood memories any longer and also can't take the void of my life no more. She (my ex)... the only person I virtually could tell this words, laughed in my face... called me a coward and told me I don't have the balls to do it. Unfortunatelly for her, I already arranged everything. I win. I picked up the date of my mothers birthday for everything she has done to me. I picked up the perfect mix of poisoning plants and medication, will not miss. I arranged my life and I am taking care of my funeral last details. No one in my funeral will be permited to enter. Only a priest and the undertaker.
I am fed up of 30 years of $#%^. I have been diagnosed with 5 disorders and I am more ###$ up than I could describe to anyone. Bipolar... PTSD... Dissociation... Schizoid... Pyromania... labels labels labels, I am ######6 fed up! I am fed up of having people in my life screwing with my head. I seriously hate people. If I could live the rest of my life without any human contact... I would. I just want to burn everyone, it's enough for me.
After I told her what I am going to do... she sends me messages and calls me... telling me things that I wouldn't say to the people I hate the most. Seriously? Someone I spent 12 years of my life with... whom I left... because she hits me and harasses my psychologicaly... knowing the reason of me ending the relation and wanting to restart everything.... does that?! How am I supposed to feel?
I decided to end my life before she calls me saying $#%^... and now? I am going to have pleasure doing it. Will drink that tea and eat those pills with a smile in my face. I win.
It is impressive the lack of humanity people have. I don't want to live in a world like this. I want to thank the people that talked to me in here during my short stay, don't loose the humanity you have in you... it lacks in the world.
Oh well... Goodbye."
--Trenus
I highly underestimated how difficult things would be for me in the future.
However, God granted my wish.
"Denial, An Ever-Present TEmptation"
--Denial, an Ever-Present TEmptation
"Our son, Nathan was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of two. For 7 years we played the med, therapy, new Doctor game. There were times we found stability, but more often than not we were searching for stability. After seeing several specialists in the field, we came upon Dr. Papolos in August of 2011. After talking with him, it was clear to all of us that Nathan fell into the Fear of Harm phenotype, a new subtype of childhood-onset bipolar disorder recently identified by research studies. As silly as this sounds, what a blessing that he was in that category!! Without having the FOH aspect to his disorder, we would still be searching for relief.
Nathan began the ketamine treatment in September of 2011. "--Nathan's Fears WEre Debilitating
That's a bizarre drug to give to a kid. It's a analgesia or anesthesia.
He's not a horse.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
I've Lost a Few Buttons Myself
--Mary
Some Friends
They stand back, and wait for it all to end.
For the most part, I understand this, but there is a child inside me, who yells and pouts selfishly, "Why weren't you there? Why didn't you care more? Why weren't you more kind? Why didn't you know how to fix me up better?"
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Morpheus Calling
I'll hand him over an envelope. "I wrote you letters."
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I had been having sugar cravings all day--different from simply being hungry. People who binge all the time or even in the past know that the feeling is unique. It's like a craving for alcohol or any other drug.
YEsterday was not me at my best.
I had a lunch set up with the LSU Professor and one of his students who is also a friend of mine but I couldn't get through the meal. WE all sat down together, and I couldn't make polite conversation. I got up, excused myself, saying that I wasn't feeling well.
I am at war with myself, with my psychiatric symptoms, with the weight gain, with how much I miss and love Morpheus.
--Life in the AGe of Byrony or my favorite, Benedict Smith the ORiginal
[not to confuse people, my favorite name for him, Benedict Smith]
"And why aren't you dead?" The psychiatrist said in reference to my suicide attempt back in August of 2008.
"I dialed 911," I replied.
"You know, suicidality is always dealing with ambivalence," he said. "I've lost patients before, sure..."
We spoke mostly of Morpheus.
"You would probably be less suicidal if you wouldn't in love with him...you want to hear his voice..."
"What?"
"There's a part of you that wants to hear his voice, right? He says he's coming back, etc."
I shake my head.
"You love him."
Monday, January 9, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I have no idea if it will kill me, probably with no emergency medical intervention.
I think about the things I wanted to do with my life that I never did.
Facing death before has taught me how I treat death.
No one really wants to die, we want to look at death, and then turn around with a consuming idea of what we are supposed to be living for.
Bland, Washed Out, Washed UP
I'm on a reduced calorie diet because I gained a few pounds over the holidays, and I refuse to become a statistic over this Clozaril (read: causes major weight gain). Mostly, I'm bored with food.
I have no particular passion with school.
There's no man currently who incites me intellectually or physically.
I was an absorbed girl at that age.
My mother would yell at me sometimes while we were out in public, "Lacey!"
"What?"
"I was talking to you."
--Human Development: Theories and Learning Futures, Bae, YOung
--Human Development: Theories and Learning Futures, Bae, Young
Saturday, January 7, 2012
--from yesterday
A long time ago, while watching a movie with a sex worker in it with my stepbrother, he turned to me, and said, "Do you know what a 'hooker' is?"
I was young then, I said, "No."
"Someone who is paid for sex."
It was the first time I had ever heard of the concept.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
About the isolation.
They only serve you pills, and give you some poorly researched prognosis.
They set you loose onto this world, which has been so unkind to the point of splitting up your mind. They care not for your triumphs nor for your failures, but the voices still persist in the hallways of your psyche.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
I think about that whenever I hear Morpheus's voice (an auditory hallucination) tell me that he loves me, that he's coming back.
That all hope is not lost for us.
Do you ever love someone truly that he never leaves not even in physical absence nor in death?
"Slighted."
This is "dating."
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
STOP!
from Chase.
My instant response was:
"I suppose this takes out us being friends then huh [Chase]?"
I wish you knew what it was like, if only for a moment.
I wish life called you to such a path.
You would see then why I loved you so, why I was angry--so.
You forgive me--so?
You love me again--so?
Once Was That Girl
I feel no emptiness when I sleep by myself--I've become immunized to the basic pulls of the need of affiliation.
What have I done to myself? What have others done to me growing up?
Monday, January 2, 2012
"That's a honey lotion. I know the brand," I told Chase [The District tRaining Manager]. "I can smell it." I use to wear it. It was in fact my favorite, but hard to find.
"I don't know where it came from."
It wasn't his scent. It was clearly a woman's.
"Someone rubbed all over you," I said.
Where's the Wine??
I know this is a road with no good end, alcohol is for the healthy brains with no mental illness. I already have cravings, a sign of future addiction if I continue to drink.
There are all sorts of excuses for drinking, but my stability has been hard fought, and has taken almost a year.
Right now--still--I can smell the red wine in the kitchen.
"I'm sorry, I know this sounds weird to you," the psychiatrist said, going through the red flags, mentioning the license plates, thinking you are receiving special messages from your computer (I once went to a grocery store locally because one of their ads "told me to"), etc.
"No, no, it doesn't, " I replied, honestly. I recognized them all.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
SEx: Anxiety, Part III
Now, I'm afraid to have sex.
I don't understand my own change in attitude.