It's been six years since I slept soundly with a man with his arms around me all night long.

I have always preferred to sleep alone.

But there he was, behind me, occasionally snoring lightly.

For Emily

I still remember you.

I still hold onto you.

IF only I could have saved your life, six years ago today.

Is she mentally retarded or just really nice?

One of those FAcebook statuses that I never posted for a reason.

Is it possible to forget how to be a human being?

To generate love for someone?

He talks to me as I am leaning against the seat of the truck--as if to a child without being condescending, "This is physical intimacy." He is kissing me more.

"Promise me" the voices say, over and over again, always something they are promising, never delivering.

I consider nursing these damn promises with booze, wondering how long I could go without falling into hard core psychosis again.

Promise me...

Sex: Anxiety? Part II

More meat for the Meat Grinder or have I changed my ways because of the psychosis and because I was diagnosed HPV-positive over the summer?

My attitudes towards sex has changed as I am leaving the lifestyle of hunting for casual sex behind.

I have no judgment on those who partake on casual sex. I don't think it's wrong or immoral nor do I think it's a meaningless exercise in exploring one's sexuality as long as it's done safely.

Perhaps I would still be visiting a bar on a weekly basis if I had never entered a psychotic episode. I will never know, but my suspicious nature increasing as part of symptoms in psychosis makes it difficult to trust some stranger enough to take the clothes off and fuck.

I can assume that as soon as the psychotic symptoms subside completely, and if I go into manic episode again, my attitudes towards sex might become more liberal.

Regardless, for the next two years, I will continue to test positive for HPV, and I will have to disclose that to anyone I have sex with until I test negative at some point in the future.

We were in the middle of making out, and I ask, "Do you want to meet my parents?" I laugh.

"Sure. I'm not afraid to meet anyone's parents," he says.

"There's a story behind that question actually."

Sex: Anxiety?

I find something frightening about the prospect of having sex again with a stranger or even a friend, who I've never been intimate with before. I can't quite describe how I've change from being a whore to someone who is timid in this regard.

"Maybe he's not coming back," I said, talking about Morpheus.

"Good," Rosa said.

The District Training Manager in the Parking Lot

He kisses me in the parking lot as I'm leaned against the side of the driver's seat of my mother's truck as the driver's door is open. I'm supposed to feel something, but I only feel faintly of fear and attraction due to the drugs damping effects. Where is this all going? Part of my mind wanders. You're leaving in less than two weeks.

YOu know things are going bad when you're staring at each other at the bar, and the world is soundless and shrinks.

And so, it begins.

He looks at you, and looks at you like he could kiss you right there, but he's waiting.

I hardly remember what making love feels like--it's been almost a year.

The District Training Manager, as he was called in "Panther," is a handsome man.

I take off his cap at the bar, and play with his hair to straighten it some.

He smiles at me to make me smile at him.

Cyberstalking in EXcess

Days of Googling proved that I was looking under the wrong business name for MOrpheus, and finally found the address of his [old] office, and another business line that of which I don't know what has become of it. There was only a generic greeting of the answering machine, so I didn't leave a message.

I now have a way to drop off my letters, but I can't bear the thought of them getting into the wrong hands by accident.

I don't know if this information is current since as far as I know he sold this business.

You can go insane

From all of this

And not come back

--September 2, 2011 Word Doc

I miss Morpheus.

I'm tired of explaining to people justification for my longing or why I haven't left and "done better" for myself.

When I'm ready for finding a new man, I will go out and get myself one.

For now, I wallow in my pain and own giant tragedy.

"The sad part is half of you wants to die." One of the voices. Tim. "You don't have the fucking guts to kill yourself."

" I think my life is a waste."

--Word Doc from September 1, 2011

"Lacey, promise me you won't hurt yourself," one of the voices said to me today.

More Help

"I wish I had more help out there to get me through this, but I don’t."

--Word Doc from August 29, 2011

Bullied

"I do not want to be bullied around by voices in my head. By any of them."

--Word Doc from August 28, 2011