There's me down there, we're on a rescue mission to retrieve. I sense her bubbling up sometimes, but most of my day, she's out of my hands reach.

She enjoys things in life, the radio on while driving, movies, basics in life.

For now, the cab of the truck is silent while I'm headed into town. I rarely see the point in finish a movie.

From age twelve, I figured I would never marry. Now, one of my friends who I have known the longest is getting married.

I have agreed to go to her wedding.

Did I fail at this too? Did I just choose? To be alone for all time?

While psychotic, I would look back at my behavior and say, "That's crazy." And then I would look forward, "I'm going to look crazy to [name]." I was in the middle of my own insight, never caring to stop.

One of the ideas that came up while I went for a walk was therapy for MOrpheus and I as a compromise.

Every time I've brought it up in the past, he has shot it down. However, things for me have been so bad that perhaps I can at least get him to listen to me.

If he attends therapy with me on a semi-regular basis, then I will continue to see him. There--will be an added safeguard against the mood swings that are inherent to our relationship.

I don't binge eat anymore. I don't cut anymore.

I came back from the edge of nowhere that anyone understands except me.

NO one knows my cry because now it's silence.

They did it. They drugged me up that much.

I listen to my silly songs, and pretend to weep.

No one pulled me out, you understand. It wasn't human. It was just a pill or two. FAceless.

All through the psychosis, I kept trying to find him. A person. IN the end, there was no one.

WE were never supposed to meet. Ask anyone.

This is why I remember December 2008 the best.

HOw can you stand a love you mark by the pain?

Top-Down Control of Bottom Up Perceptual Processes Theory

Healthy individuals who ‘‘hear voices’’ are typically aware that
the ‘‘voices’’ they hear stem from inner thought and not from an
external source. They therefore seem to be able to cognitively
cope with the salient perceptual experiences by recruiting inhibitory
control functions. Thus, it is suggested that inhibitory control
functions should be important to modulate whether a
perceptual experience is interpreted as coming from an external
source or not. In other words, an expanded theoretical model
would have to take into account the dynamic interplay between
bottom-up effects and top-down information processing, where
perception is seen as a bottom-up process and inhibitory cognitive
control is seen as a top-down process.

--‘‘Hearing voices’’: Auditory hallucinations as failure of top-down
control of bottom-up perceptual processes

KENNETH HUGDAHL

Department of Biological and Medical Psychology, University of Bergen, Norway and Division of Psychiatry and Bergen Mental Health Center,
Haukeland University Hospital, Bergen, Norway

When I was a little girl, grammar-school-age, I would be sent out by my parents for something to do, and I would wander around downtown Lemoore, Ca.

Walking downtown is still one of my favorite activities. I watch the people pass, I watch the cars, the trucks.

MOst of the time when I'm there, walking around, my mood lifts.

"These findings support the
proposal that voice hearers impose interpersonal meaning on their hallucinatory
experience, and this may influence their emotional and behavioural responses."

--BRitish jOurnal of Clinical Psychology, NOvember 1, 2009, Neil Thomas1*, Hamish J. McLeod2 and Chris R. Brewin3

"...Great Power..."

"A number of
studies using their Beliefs About Voices Questionnaire (BAVQ; Chadwick & Birchwood,
1995; Chadwick, Lees, & Birchwood, 2000) have found that appraisals of voices as
malevolent as opposed to benevolent predict levels of voice-related distress (Beck-
Sander, Birchwood, & Chadwick, 1997; Birchwood & Chadwick, 1997; Van der Gaag,
Hageman, & Birchwood, 2003). In addition, voices are frequently appraised as holding
great power over the voice hearer (Chadwick & Birchwood, 1994). The experience of
being subjugated by a voice that is dominant as well as hostile may compound related
distress, as well as being related to depressive symptomatology (Gilbert et al., 2001).
Accordingly, appraisals of voice power and dominance have been found to relate to both
distress and depression (Birchwood, Meaden, Trower, Gilbert, & Plaistow, 2000; Gilbert
et al., 2001; Vaughn & Fowler, 2004)."

--(emphasis is not the author's) British Journal of Clinical Psychology, NOvember 1, 2009; Neil Thomas1*, Hamish J. McLeod2 and Chris R. Brewin3

Why Do WE Fall IN Love With These People?

"Love is sometimes compared to a flame, but there's a difference. Fire needs oxygen to burn; love seems able to survive on nothing at all."

--Harry

What do you do when grief is sneaking underneath your door? When mourning is knocking?

When pain is rattling your house?

I sense a relief just from surviving it all.

It could have been much worse.

The days spent blindly typing at the computer looking for evidence of who the hacker might be feels like hypomanic because it was increased focus energy toward a goal. However, I was still sleeping a solid eight hours per night.

Thoughts On College

When I see all those CAl Poly students, I think about how I use to be one of them, and how by going to online school, I'm taking a step down.

For me, this is a hit to my ego, but I'm allowing it if it means that I'm graduating from school on schedule.

Since 2006, I have continually struggled with my classes, inability to concentrate due to manic and depressive symptoms.

I am hoping that with the new medication, I will have an easier time at University of PHoenix.

Grief and MOurning

"I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it"

--"Lesson Learned" by Alicia Keys

The madness was driven by finding the true identity to "Jack" who I loosely and incorrectly concluded had not given me his real name previously. Hence, "Where's Jack?"

When I kept typing "Jack" using the touch-keyboard of my cellphone, sometimes the C would be capitalized, which is how I ended up at Morpheus's home in the middle of the day. "JaCk" must be Morpheus. I would stop at nothing to find my hacker, even if it meant an uncomfortable run-in. IF he was the hacker, he would know I was coming from the GPS in my phone, and therefore, the wife and kids would gone.

This all makes sense in the clouded world of a psychotic.

I've been through a lot. A pregnancy. IN which I had no part of. He told me in a text-message. I was devastated. I quickly gained my baby fifteen pounds. He got a vasectomy. MOnths of silence. I just dealt with it.

"Maybe you should think that there's something wrong when Lacey who usually doesn't act like this is calling you ten times in a row..." I left him in a message.

I cracked. My world of obedience and silence broke away into grandiose craziness. I sent ten's, maybe even more than that, of TXT-messages to a disconnected number. Finally, I sent twenty-some TEXT-messages to his working number, breaking down every single thing that he's ever done to me that hurt me.

I remember a story I read when I was doing research on marriage vs. singledom. A woman started the divorce proceedings, but quickly went into extreme grief--losing massive amounts of weight because she simply wasn't hungry. Her body went into shock.

Something deep down inside went into shock after that Facebook Message. It was a genuine grief. It manifested as psychosis.

Some of my appetite has returned although when the first hospitalization, I had practically none. Food was being brought into my room, which is typically against the rules.

People going into that kind of grief and mourning makes more sense when they have physically been together for longer. I have no other explanation.

Pulling out of the brain fog and clutter means remembering back to emotions.

I laugh more now.

In there is a sense of humor.

I logically conclude that fate is cruel and if I can feel more happiness and joy, I will feel more sadness (not depression).

I hurt more over Morpheus. I ruminate more over him.

Pieces of Me

"ONly tells me where she's been when she's had too much to drink."

--Hootie and The Blowfish

Looking around at the wreckage of my life, knowing it wasn't anything I ever expected--I was psychotic for seven months--wondering if I can push all of the puzzles pieces together.

Still, no voices. I am released from mental prison.

Last night, I was telling myself to be patient since I have no control over when he contacts me next.

Today, tomorrow, next month, it is going to be the same hard conversation.

SAD: Schizoaffective Disorder

."..the stability of the
SAD diagnosis has been particularly poor. For
example, one study has shown that only 36% of
those initially diagnosed with SAD received the
same diagnosis at a later time point (22)..."

--Malhi GS, Green M, Fagiolini A, Peselow ED, Kumari V.
Schizoaffective disorder: diagnostic issues and future recommendations

I was happy, homework almost done, the voices gone, and then one sad song on repeat--

"I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over."
--Adele, "Someone LIke You"

What choices do I have? You call and we fight. WE only have the option of getting off on the anger that has been brewing between us since February.

Is there a compromise between us?

Is there a workable contract?